Three Little Birds
by Perdyta
Summary: The Gman whispers a final threat to Gordon. Alyx looks to no one after the death of her father. Barney is wounded and appears hopeless. And in a forest far away, a woman wearing half an orange jumpsuit and a dead civil protection's jacket simply survives.
1. Chapter One Part One

**Disclaimer:** Half Life and it's characters are owned by Valve. I also took the chapter title and few lyrics from Moby.  
**Author's Note:** This is me showing you how insane I am by taking on a new project I think is too big for me. This is very challenging to write, by the way. Enjoy. After some helpful criticism I split up chapter one into two parts, part one is no different except for that it ends a little sooner. Part two will be quite a bit different.

**Chapter One - Part 1:**  
**The Whispering Wind**

_I watched your dreams all slip away..._

There's a hopeless place inside my heart...

I will watch the sky come following me...

His surroundings were a deep and endless blue. The feeling of peace that came with the simple color and that perfect smell from his surroundings were much different than what he was used to. Before, he only knew a poisonous landscape. One with a sky full of smoke and other pollution from the destruction that seemed to follow him.

Before the fields of rubble or lakes of toxic waste, he knew only steel walls under the hot barren landscape of New Mexico. The perfect place for their experiments that held the possibility of causing absolute chaos and destruction...

Those thoughts were not the correct ones to have when a person was in the midst of experimenting such a perfect day and so he let the sky consume his thoughts instead. That sky which was so deep, so blue, and _so_ endless. Despite how pleasantly the sun shone down and warmed him, you could smell it in the slight breeze how the clouds that looked almost childlike in their perfection wanted so desperately to open up and let their warm rain quench the earth.

With that sky came countless possibilities and so much... _freedom._ It was refreshing, pure and intoxicating. It was enough to make him feel decidedly powerful.

Which was odd for at the moment he simply felt like relaxing, like appreciating the day. It amazed him how wonderful it felt to just rest, he had no idea why he was so tired.

In what seemed to be a past life, he was never overly fond of the outdoors and preferred his lab coat, charts, and diagrams to the possibility of getting a tan. As warm rays shone down on him, however, and he felt like he could easily fall asleep out there he made himself stay awake. Today was a rare day in its perfection and he would not miss it for what was left of the world.

He planned on enjoying every moment of this days serenity. It made him wish he had spent far more time playing outside than indoors at his desk. There was a lot of comfort in days like today, they assured you that Heaven was not so far away.

Lounging back with his hands behind his head, he wiggled his bare toes and smiled. There was no doubt in his mind he was being given a glimpse of Heaven.

Above him flew a little bird, and it was laboring fiercely to flap its wings quickly, so it too may enjoy the day and its sky. It was a good idea, you never knew when a beautiful day might take an ugly turn.

Someone giggled and he should have heeded the warning and ran for it but today he was indulging his lazy side. He soon paid for that laziness.

There was a loud splash and a second later he was drenched. Scrambling to sit up, his hammock decided it was not made for all that movement and flipped on him.

The laughter was deafening.

Not from him, no that laughter was girlish and _loud_. If anything it should be called a guffaw. Looking up from where he lay sprawled on the ground, he couldn't help but smirk at the sight of his wife and her little sidekick _guffawing_. The sidekick in question was kicking up water as she swam on her back, looking far too pleased with herself and giggling so much he feared the area around her might turn yellow.

Standing up, he made his way over to his giggling wife and tried to keep his scowl in place, but it was becoming hard to keep up the facade. His family's amusement was catching.

"Aw, don't pout Gordon," Alyx said between giggles. "You know the look doesn't suit you."

"Yeah Dad! Don't be such a _baby!_" The sidekick laughed before doing a somersault under water.

"A baby am I?" He asked, looking down at his wife. It must have shown on his face that he was up to no good because Alyx's eyes got wide and she started shaking her head.

"No no no no!" she tried to plead, but their daughter was splashing around in the water saying "Dad is a baby! Dad is a baby!"

Alyx's plea was drowned out by her own sidekick's chanting.

Bending, Gordon threw Alyx over his shoulder in one swift motion, the renewed laughter of his daughter egging him on and he ignored his wife's threats.

"What do you say, do you think she needs to cool off a bit?" Gordon asked his giggling daughter and she nodded eagerly, unable to speak.

"Gordon you put me down right now or I swear I will get you back!" Alyx threatened.

"It can't be helped Alyx, your daughter has spoken. It's in the pool with you." And Gordon threw her in. Or at least tried to, but he made the mistake he so often did with his wife. He underestimated her.

Alyx had a grip on his shirt still, and when he threw her she pulled him with her with a victorious laugh. Gordon thought he had been soaked before but it was nothing compared to this. Surfacing, he sputtered and caught his breath but two hands were pushing him back under.

Reaching forward, he grabbed his wife around the waist and pulled her under as well. Her grin warmed him and he sent her one with a lewd eyebrow wiggle.

She rolled her eyes and kicked so that she could come up for some air. Gordon was about to follow but he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Turning, he expected to see his daughter swimming towards him with that evil little grin she inherited from her mother, but he saw nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Passing it off as his imagination, Gordon surfaced as well and took in a deep breath.

Alyx and her little sidekick had already gotten out and were whispering. Smirking, Gordon climbed out and grabbed a nearby towel.

"Secrets don't make friends." He told them as he toweled off his hair.

His daughter turned to him with a grin.

"Mom wants you to watch my new dive, come on!" she said and grabbed his hand, trying to pull him after her. She wasn't quite strong enough to move him and Gordon raised an eyebrow at his wife.

"Does she?" He asked and Alyx merely shrugged, attempting to look innocent.

"Yeah, so come _on!_" His daughter tugged him with all her might and he finally followed her a few steps before stopping within a safe distance from the pool.

"I can see it from here, promise." Gordon said softly and that seemed to be good enough to her. She ran to the diving board and looked back with a grin, making sure her parents were watching.

"I taught her this one, she's been waiting for a day when you would be here. She's wanted you to watch her." Alyx was at his side and looking up at him with a small smile. Gordon pulled her to him and kissed her forehead.

"I'm not leaving again. I promise you that."

Alyx sighed contently and her smile grew warmer. As soon as it appeared, though, it was gone and she had turned her head away with a frown.

Gordon followed her gaze to the pool, all he saw was their daughter poised and ready to show off her newly acquired skill.

"What's the matter?" Gordon asked, turning back to her.

"Nothing, I just thought there was... I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye, but I must be seeing things." Alyx muttered, nibbling her lip.

An uneasy feeling was settling in the pit of Gordon's stomach.

"Are you going to watch me or what!?" The shout of their daughter rang through the air and they looked back at her.

"Wait - " Gordon began.

"I could have sworn - " Alyx was muttering.

"Here I go!" Their daughter ran down the board and jumped but while she did her flip in the air, Gordon went cold.

Now he knew what he had seen as the beast appeared in the water directly below their daughter and his fears were coming true.

"Chell, no!" Alyx screamed, but she had already jumped. It was too late.

_No!_ Gordon ran, knowing no hesitation and he jumped for her. If he missed, he could still get her, he knew it.

Everything was so surreal and time seemed to slow down but he was so close, so close to saving his daughter... Alyx's scream was still ringing in the air even as his world went dark.

There was no more ground, no more sky. No more freedom.

There was only emptiness, and there was only him. His face filled the space in front of him as if Gordon was watching him on a large screen. A heady feeling was coming over him as he became entranced by those cold eyes, it was a feeling he had grown very used to.

Then those thin lips opened and they let out a a wheezy sigh before speaking.

"Doctor Free... man... is it?"

The thin lips stretched into a knowing smirk but Gordon listened. He wanted to know what he had to say, he wanted any information he could have.

"It's been... so long since we h_ad_... a chat." Gordon tried not to be distracted by his odd speaking habits or the way he seemed to hiss certain words at him.

"Oh it's no fault on yo_ur_ part I am sure but I believe you have for _got_ten your duty for you _are_ side tracked... but if you can't get the job done..."

Gordon watched as the man looked elsewhere, behind him in the darkness. There was a sense of nervousness and worry in his stomach that he tried to keep away.

The man gave another wheezy sigh and spoke again at last.

"I know _who_ will."

And then Gordon was confused and alone. Naturally.

The space surrounding him was dark but he felt enclosed, no longer as if he was suspended in an empty void alone and vulnerable.

As his eyes became used to the darkness he could just barely make out steel walls and shelves. Sitting up, the mattress he had been placed on squeaked loudly in protest and he froze, suddenly on full alert.

Someone had stripped him of his HEV suit and the feeling of vulnerability was back, he felt naked and lost without it and it disturbed him how helpless he felt without his weapons.

Pushing back the thin sheet someone had thoughtfully placed on him, Gordon placed his bare feet on the cold stone floor even though all he wanted was to lay back down and disappear back into the dream he had imagined.

There was no time for that, he was somewhere unfamiliar and he was unarmed. Standing quickly, Gordon paused as he suddenly began to feel light headed. It passed and he began his exploration of the room. A quick feel around the walls and he found the light switch.

For a second he was blinded and he squinted against the light. Soon enough, however, he could see clearly again and he explored the room picking up various objects as he went.

Dr. Kleiner had always told him his curiosity was his one and only bane, and true enough the urge to push random buttons had gotten him a scolding time and again in Black Mesa... but he was a firm believer in hands on learning.

Gordon was positive the bunker he was in was located underground. He had found the bathroom in what he thought was a small closet but he had quickly taken advantage of that rare luxury.

The mirror caught him by surprise. It was one of the first ones he had encountered since... since when? It was hurting his head to remember too much about Black Mesa and how long ago that must have really been.

A study of his face showed it clean and freshly shaved, his goatee was looking very neat indeed. Someone had taken quite a lot of care in cleaning him and while the feeling was refreshing... it kind of disturbed him too.

Turning around he looked at the corners of the room and tried to find a camera. Gordon knew they were sitting in a room not too far from here, sipping their drinks and discussing what to make him do first.

His eagerness in solving the latest puzzle, though, earned him a stubbed toe and he swore under his breath. Looking down to see what the hell had injured him, he laid his eyes on a rather familiar looking book.

Gingerly picking up the book with the faded title, Gordon took a seat on his borrowed bed and let the book fall open in his lap. The page it opened to had been dog-eared and bookmarked - obviously a page the owner found very interesting - but Gordon was not interested in the contents of this mysterious book.

What held his captivation was what the owner had decided to use as a bookmark.

His hand was trembling as he lifted it, but he needed to get it closer to the light. Just to make sure it was real and not another dream of his.

In his hand he held a faded picture, and though he couldn't make the background out very well he already knew it was taken in a bar.

And there were two of the dorkiest looking men saluting the camera with their well earned beers. The two looked more relaxed than Gordon could remember feeling but he had the proof right in his hand. Proof of happier times.

He looked very much the same in the picture, his trademark goatee and glasses and the camera had even caught a rare smile as well.

But seeing Barney was what made him shake in the first place, seeing him with all his hair the same color and wearing a pair of grubby Levi's, his untucked shirt and sporting a huge grin. He was forever caught mid laugh with his beer held up in the air like some prize.

_I want this again. I want to get it back._

Gordon hadn't realized he had been smiling at the picture until his thoughts drifted to others. His smile was fading as he remembered what had happened before he had passed out, he must have had a concussion.

The last he could remember was Alyx crying over Eli Vance's body and the memory of it was making him feel cold.

_Where's Alyx?_

The sound of footsteps brought him out of memories and he stood up quickly with a few questions ready.

The door opened and Gordon backed away raising the book - Always thinking. Always defensive.

"Who left the light on? He was supposed to be resting!" Came a gruff voice and Gordon tried not to be too hopeful but he could have sworn it belonged to...

"Oh, Gordon! You uh, you found Barney's book I see." His nervous mentor stepped from the darkness into Gordon's temporary room and Gordon lowered the book feeling sheepish.

"We've been keeping a close eye on you Dr. Freeman." Dr. Magnusson had followed closely and Gordon was surprised to see an emotion other than irritation on his face. The man appeared nervous and worried. That was Dr. Kleiner's job. He was the natural worrier.

_How long have I been asleep?_

Instead of asking that, Gordon simply said "Yeah?" and wondered silently what injuries he must have sustained. He shrugged a little, honestly feeling fine.

"Yes, and I am sure you're lost without your HEV suit, but not to worry the two of you will be reunited soon enough." Dr. Kleiner assured him before his eyes moved down to what Gordon was holding. "Always curious Dr. Freeman, I see you've been snooping around Barney's bunk."

"Is he.." Gordon began to ask but Dr. Kleiner shook his head.

"Barney is... well he's keeping in touch." Kleiner said with a nod and Gordon was not convinced, but before he could say anything, he was cut off by Dr. Magnusson.

"Enough of this chatter, Dr. Freeman seems well enough to handle anything we might throw at him. Let's show him what he's missed." The irritability was back and the larger Doctor walked quickly out of the room.

"Yes yes, right away. Gordon, if you would just follow us."

He followed them in silence and waited for them to start bringing him up to date with nervous chatter - but instead they were quiet.

In fact the whole base seemed far too quiet. Usually he could hear Vortigaunts working somewhere or Dog causing trouble but never was it this quiet.

Gordon looked at the walls as they went down stairs and through doorways, but the walls were bare and he had nothing to occupy his curious mind with.

_Just tell me Alyx is okay._

Tell me how long I've been asleep, what we're going to do about Mossman...

And what the hell is taking Barney so long?

Dr. Kleiner punched in the secret code no one ever trusted Gordon with and led the troupe into the room with so many buttons that Gordon's hands were beginning to itch just looking at them.

"Dog was the one who brought you and Alyx back after..." Dr. Kleiner began muttering under his breath. "Well that is he brought you two back and..." It was obvious he was becoming rather upset about what he was trying to tell Gordon.

Gordon nodded and whispered, "Right." Although he wished he could think of something better to say. Dr. Kleiner was dealing with the loss of a friend and Gordon wanted to find a way to destroy those damn flying slugs for the grief they caused.

"I can't find Lamarr anywhere." Kleiner said suddenly, looking up at the screen as he began to type something in. Dr. Magnusson was keeping quiet and sent Gordon a look over his monitor, a look Gordon was sure meant to keep his mouth shut. Not that a look like that was really needed.

"I never should have debeaked her, there is no way she'll survive on her own out there if she ran away."

Suddenly the screen flickered and Kleiner stood back to let Gordon have a better view. "There, this is the last message from Barney's camp."

Gordon looked up eagerly and he felt his hands grow sweaty when he saw how beaten up his buddy was.

"Hey guys, I had to send a message, damn thing won't connect me directly to you." Gordon watched how he struggled to breathe and rubbed a hand over his face. _Hang in there man._

"We've fallen a little behind. Our train got hit and we lost a few people but we're pullin' through." Gordon noticed a few people carrying a wounded soldier behind him and tried not to worry. He was always worrying too much.

"Our supplies are kinda starting to run out and now we'll have to continue on foot but we're taking a short cut so we don't get spotted so easily. It's the one I took before. We'll probably even beat Gordon. Tell him to hurry his ass before we get there before him doc. See ya when I get there."

The screen went black. "This came last night but we were preoccupied with... with..." Kleiner for once seemed at a loss for words and sent Magnusson a pleading look.

Dr. Magnusson cleared his throat and finished for the other doctor, "We were studying the body of Dr. Vance when this came. _Obviously_ we did not watch it right away and have not yet sent a reply."

Now Dr. Kleiner thought it was time to add something. It was easier when treating everything like the latest puzzle he had to study. "A thorough study of the body along with Alyx's description of what happened have given us the data we needed. We already know what killed... him. A Comine Advisor. Possibly the most dangerous creature any of us will encounter."

Gordon nodded, he had figured that when it used his mind powers against the three of them. Mind powers just were not fair in Gordon Freeman's book, it was cheap but at least it was another puzzle for him to figure it out. If he had time to figure it out.

"We believe they are nesting somewhere." Dr. Magnusson added though it was obvious his knowledge extended more towards rockets and bombs while Dr. Kleiner had all the information about portals and aliens and places to go while giving crappy directions...

Dr. Magnusson even looked out of place in their conversation.

"Correct." Dr. Kleiner nodded. "Dog followed their scent to the Northern cliff but lost it to the sea. Going North would make sense as a nesting place for them. It's a bit difficult to get to, you see?"

Gordon did not see but he could imagine. Swimming to places was definitely not his favorite thing to do these days... unless he had a crossbow.

"And when you find their nest, you must destroy them however possible."

"Which," Dr. Magnusson interjected, "will be no easy task to figure out as you probably already know."

"Yeah..." Gordon said softly. _No easy task. There's an understatement for you._

"All we can say as of now is to avoid them as best as you can." Kleiner said with a nod and Gordon was hard pressed not to roll his eyes.

As Kleiner and Magnusson began to exchange looks, Gordon was getting the feeling he was about to be sent on another mission.

"Gordon, as important as finding the Borealis is - " Magnusson began.

"And Dr. Mossman... and the Combine Advisors..." Kleiner added.

"_Yes_... well... what Barney has failed to realize is that his short cut he took all those years ago is now days more dangerous than walking right into an Advisor's nest!" Magnusson's voice became gradually louder and Gordon almost felt like he was in trouble for some reason, but he was too distracted by what the angry doctor was implying.

"Well maybe not more dangerous than that." Kleiner said.

"It's close enough." Magnusson argued. "With his people running out of supplies they probably won't get any farther than a few meters!"

Gordon tried to block out their bickering. _What are you thinking Barney? A shortcut? Seriously!? _

"I need my suit." He said quietly and the two doctors bickered on, paying no attention to him. Gordon cleared his throat, the beginnings of anger settling in at being ignored once again.

"Regardless of all that..." Magnusson exclaimed loudly, turning to Gordon as he spoke, "The point, Dr. Freeman, is that we need your help again."

"Yes." Kleiner agreed and straightened his glasses. "Gordon, we made sure you would not wake up until you were healed and rested. You had a horrible concussion and with everything you've been doing lately we thought you would collapse without some proper rest!"

_Rest? I must have been resting for days!_ Gordon thought, running a hand over his face at this news.

"But now we need you son, we've trusted you with countless of operations and you've earned my respect."

Gordon wondered why he was getting a speech now. Usually they just assumed he wanted to help out and he did.

"I don't need to be talked into helping Barney, arm me a bit and tell me what direction. I'll find my way." Gordon promised and wondered if he would be going alone.

_They haven't told me a thing about Alyx yet._ He thought, but bit down on his irritation.

"Good. Great." Kleiner said with a small smile, "Then I suppose it's time to be reunited with your suit." Gordon took the cue and followed the other doctor to the back of the room.

Again a secret code was entered and doors opened to reveal his trusted suit.

Kleiner walked away to his many screens and buttons to allow him some privacy, but Gordon hardly noticed him leave.

He stripped himself of the plain pajamas they had dressed him in. The only clothing he kept on before sliding into the HEV suit were his boxers and undershirt.

A stoic expression was on his face and he worked hard to keep it there. All he could think of was that last time he put this suit on, Barney was there making smart little remarks.

He had not met Alyx at the time and now the doctors were avoiding even mentioning her. It wasn't easy shaking off the feeling that something was very wrong. More so than usual at least.

Looking down at the gloves he now wore, Gordon remembered Dr. Kleiner's goofy remark.

_"I see your old suit still fits you like a glove. Or at least the glove parts do."_

Kleiner had always been funny without meaning to and never realizing it.

"Ahh there." Dr. Magnusson said when Gordon stepped back into the room. "That's the sight I'm used to. Those thin pajamas were far too plain for you."

Gordon did not say anything in response as he was not sure how to take that but he gave Magnusson a small nod all the same.

They had a combine power source and a few supply kits near the back table and he was quick to take advantage or those, it always paid to be safe.

"Gordon." Dr. Kleiner called from the back of the room somewhere.

"Huh?" He replied idly, sensing no urgency in the doctor's voice. He was almost done juicing his suit up. Maximum health and 75% armor. Good enough for now.

There was a loud crash and Gordon turned around quickly, already scanning the room for anything that could be used as a weapon - a crowbar, a book, a rock, a barrel full of flammable substances... _anything._

What he found, however, was Dr. Kleiner sitting on the ground with the familiar looking gravity gun in his lap. Dr. Magnusson was already helping Kleiner up when Gordon got to him.

"Oh, that's a bit heavier than I remember," Kleiner said and struggled to lift the gun onto his workbench.

Gordon moved quickly to relieve the smaller doctor of the guns weight and took it with ease.

"Thank you Gordon." Kleiner said with a sigh and straightened his glasses. Watching the action gave Gordon the urge to straighten his own glasses as well but he was hardly aware of the urge until he was doing it.

"Barney is to the south." Dr. Magnusson said suddenly, always straight to the point.

"Right. Okay."

"Get him, and his people and come back. Going alone to the Advisors' nest is not an option but we know you can handle this." Dr. Kleiner reached under the table where his precious little pistol was. "I apologize for my lack of weaponry. The advisors destroyed most of your gear. Perhaps it felt you were the biggest threat, but all the same upstairs when you leave there are plenty of other supplies."

"Got it."

The doctors watched him expectantly and with an awkward nod Gordon turned to leave, hoping he would remember his way out.


	2. Chapter One Part Two

**Chapter One - Part 2:**  
**You Sent To Me**

_Like the rain on my windows late every night_

Like the hope I have for us every time

It's like the whispering wind in the top of the trees

I see it sway as you come for me

A Vortigaunt helped him with the elevator and Gordon was hard pressed not to inform the kind alien that he knew how to push a damn button. In fact, if one were to look on his resume they would see pushing buttons and flipping levers were his specialty .

Following the Vortigaunt until he got to the garage, he overheard several citizens talking about populating the world and how they had been trying their hardest. With fondness, he recalled how he had driven in among them after helping a little to destroy those striders.

_Those had been too much of a pain. All the damn hunters were ridiculous._ He thought to himself with a frown as he slide a pistol into one of his many holsters. He really was not looking forward to meeting any today. They could just wait to attack tomorrow, his schedule was already full for the afternoon.

Gordon grabbed some ammo but could not find much else. It was not going to be enough... There was never enough.

_Not in Ravenholme, not in Black Mesa._ Visibly shaking his head, Gordon wanted to kick himself for getting scared at memories. _I survived, didn't I? It's kind of my thing, surviving. There's always something. You know there is. There always was._

Gordon looked towards the woods and knew it was time to get going. Before it got too late. Who was he to take his time when Barney was in danger?

"Hey!"

Gordon cringed. He had almost made it out of the garage without another distraction. The clock was ticking. If they wanted to come, fine. Just hurry it up was all Gorodon was saying.

When he turned around, Gordon looked down at the young civilian soldier. True, he must have been in his early twenties, hardly a few years younger than him but that wasn't what Gordon saw. He saw the youth hidden away in narrow eyes and a set jaw.

"Another mission?" The boy asked. "I'm comin' with." This he stated rather than asked. He seemed to be a get-right-to-the-point type person and Gordon appreciated that. He picked up a faint accent and wondered which part of the globe he was originally called. If he asked, would the kid be able to answer with a name Gordon even recognized?

Still, Gordon wanted to say no. Who was he to put someone else in danger? People had an odd way of dying around him and he didn't want to be responsible for that anymore.

"What's your name kiddo?" He asked, hoping the boy would change his mind.

The kid raised an eyebrow and his mouth seemed to get straighter. Gordon wondered if this was supposed to represent anger. "All the other kids call me One-Shot Vic but you can call me Victor. Only my mum gets away with callin' me Vicky so don't get any ideas about ya."

That put Gordon in his place and reminded him why he didn't do that speaking thing. With a single nod, Gordon turned to continue out of the garage and Vic followed just as silently.

The pair of them were walking through the gates when two more citizen soldiers walked up to them.

He glanced at the medic band around the woman's arm. She smiled a small smile and said she would be going with him. Kids these days, no one here was asking him permission! The man who joined with the medic did not even smile. Or wave.

When Gordon asked their names as they headed down the path, it seemed to start up a conversation. At least between them, he was doing his well practiced not talking thing as that had recently proved disastrous.

"Will Ray. I got me two first names but I suppose that's better than havin' two last ones." The man who showed no emotions said and Gordon did not pretend he knew what that meant.

"I'm Riley." The woman said and when Gordon glanced over his shoulder he saw that she did so with a smile. He wondered if her and the emotionless man, Will Ray, were involved and if they were maybe their children would at least be a little more well balanced in the emotion department.

"Why'd your ma give you a boy's name?" Victor asked and Gordon smirked, though they would not see it as he led them into the woods. The path here was less traveled but the way was marked clearly by the symbol on his HEV suit.

"It was my dad's idea." Riley began but Gordon raised a hand for silence before she could continue. He heard something very familiar. Looking over his shoulder at them, he put a finger over his mouth and they all nodded and were obedient.

There it was. The horrible moaning of a poisonous zombie. It was worse than the others as the pain of its host was greater.

"Grenade?" He whispered to his groupies. When they all shrugged helplessly Gordon scanned their surroundings but found nothing that could do any harm when thrown at the beast.

It made an appearance, hunched over and walking towards them on the path. No one hesitated and open fired. When the zombie grabbed one of the poisonous head crabs off its back and flung it at them, Gordon was ready and shot it. You learn after the first time you get bit by one of those things.

Of course he had used most of his ammo before the damn thing finally went down. Maybe soon he would get himself a shotgun, those were his favorite zombie killing thing. Next to saw blades. Not that he got into killing zombies like a sick demented person or anything...

"Let's get moving." Gordon reminded himself and passed it off like he was talking to the crew.

"Don't forget to reload Dr. Freeman," Riley reminded him as he was the only one who had not. Grabbing a clip, Gordon did as he was told and wasted no time replying.

When they walked on further, Gordon froze at the pair of legs sticking out from a bush. They looked like they belonged to a civilian soldier and Gordon wondered if it had been someone trying to run for help.

Dragging the body out and confirming that he was indeed dead and _not_ a zombie, Gordon picked up the dead mans machine gun and ammo with a muttered thanks. The guy even had a med kit grasped firmly in his hand and after peeling his cold fingers away, Gordon handed it to Riley.

No one spoke during or after this act. Not that it was so uncommon but it did not make it any less somber.

For a good hour they marched on. Though the going was not easy and they encountered many flesh wounds, Gordon considered them all lucky.

"Where are they all?" Gordon mused out loud as he let the civilian soldiers take a break. He was too pumped by adrenaline to sit and instead kept an eye out.

Riley was patching up Victor's arm where a fast zombie had got the better of them all. It was the screech that always did it. No matter how calm and collected Gordon was, the screech of a fast zombie could make his trigger finger freeze for just a second too long.

"Quiet in the woods today," Will Ray said, his voice soft as he spoke.

_Where is the danger Dr. Kleiner was talking about?_ Gordon thought to himself. Looking down, he saw that the dirt was damp and wet. It looked as though someone was attacked and the bloody footsteps in the dirt seemed to be heading south. The footsteps were odd looking, like someone was dragging their right foot.

_That is a little disturbing but no where near the craziness I had been expecting._

Just as Riley finished bandaging Victor a huge explosion went off just ahead of them and all four of them jumped.

"What the hell?" Will Ray exclaimed, jumping onto his feet. It was the most animated Gordon had seen him all day.

"That has to be where Barney is." Gordon almost said, "That has to be where the fun is," but figured that would probably be inappropriate and get him a bad reputation. He didn't really mean fun anyway. It just almost slipped out. "Let's go."

Setting off in a run, Gordon only glanced over his shoulder once to make sure they were following. The more they ran the louder the gunshots and shouting got. They were obviously going the right direction so they kept running until they were at the edge of a clearing. From there they could see where civilian soldiers were busy fighting hunters and all sorts of zombies around an average looking house. Save, of course, for the huge hole in the side and a suspicious looking detonated grenade lying a few feet away.

Several unresponsive hunters and zombie were scattered the ground but there were many more running, moaning, and attacking. So many more.

"What the hell?" Will Ray muttered but Gordon wasn't wasting time asking questions. His machine gun had a grenade and he threw it with no hesitation at the two hunters heading their way.

One went down, the other wobbled but was still staggering towards them.

They all fired and when that went down they ended up going their separate ways as more enemies surrounded them. The fresh meat.

Tripping over a fallen soldier, Gordon snagged his almost empty shotgun and shot the snarling fast zombie running for him.

God those things gave him the creeps.

"There's more supplies in the house!" One of Barney's men shouted. "There are grenades inside!"

Well, Gordon didn't need to be told twice. Shooting the zombie trying to get a taste of his brain meat, Gordon sprinted inside and smashed open the nearest crate. Ammo, that was nice. Smashed another one, a revolver. That was nicer.

There was an explosion that made the house shake around him and Gordon smashed one more crate. Out poured a mother lode of grenades.

Yes. Grenades made Gordon happy.

Running outside, Gordon rejoined the fight.

"Where's Barney?" He shouted to a civilian soldier over the dead body of a zombine. The man shrugged and began shooting a hunter. Gordon helped him take that one down before scanning the area.

Turning around, he shot another zombie in the head and as that hit the ground with a sickening moan he spotted Barney. Leaning against a tree away from the fight.

Without thinking it over, Gordon ran over to his buddy and slid down onto the ground beside him like his was in the fifth grade again and sliding into home base. With wide eyes, he raised his hands defensively when Barney aimed his gun at him. The gun shook in Barney's hand and it was obvious how weak he was.

Dropping the shotgun with a grunt, Barney looked up at Gordon sternly. "Thought you were a zombie or a damn hunter... They're getting weaker you know. Running out of forces... I almost shot you, Gordon. You idiot."

"Feeling alright then, huh Barney?" Gordon tried to will his voice to stop shaking as he surveyed his buddy's wounds. They were many and they were serious but Gordon couldn't think of leaving him despite the screams of civilian soldiers in the distance. "Guess that was you in charge of the explosion."

"You bet your ass, there was three times as many zombies before you showed up. Think this must be some sorta -" Barney had to stop as he was having a coughing fit and Gordon frowned down at him, not sure what to do to help him. Always a trooper, Barney continued on with his story, "Some sorta hang out place for freakazoids of nature we accidentally stumbled on. Then, with our luck, a bunch of scouting hunters came to join in on the fun."

Gordon smirked but knew Barney could not stay there. He needed to get out of sight more, so none of the hunters would find him. Those things were smarter than the zombies and he wasn't sure if zombies could smell you or hear you... he was pretty sure they couldn't see but was not about to bet on that.

Hooking his hands under Barney's arms, he dragged him further away from the fighting but definitely not into the woods. That was just asking for trouble.

"Stop worrying man, I'm not gonna croak on ya. I still owe you that beer don't I?"

Laughing a little to humor him, Gordon nodded. He had probably dragged him far enough away. Setting him down gently, he scanned the area for supplies. The explosion had sent all sorts of med kits into the woods as well as ammo clips.

"Go kick some ass. I got my gun. I got bullets." Barney struggled to say this and Gordon quickly ran to gather as many supplies as he could carry.

Running back to Barney's side, Gordon dumped the supplies beside him and set to work bandaging the wounds he could see. They really needed to be cleaned but as Gordon reached for his canister of water, Barney grabbed his arm. He could hardly feel the weak grip through his HEV suit.

"Knock it off. They need you more than me. I'm a little hurt but they're dying."

Gordon heard the gunshots and the screaming but he ignored it. It did not matter. Not when Barney was on the ground dying.

Shaking his head, Gordon finally looked Barney in the eye, "I can't save everyone." He had never had the time to doubt himself but now as he looked down at his bleeding friend he was starting to feel something. Something he worried might be fear.

"That's never stopped you from trying, has it? Never stopped me either." Barney sat up but the movement caused him to clench up from the pain. "Get outta here." He growled out and shoved Gordon's arm away from him. Gordon hesitated but only for a minute then he was off and he didn't let himself look back.

With renewed motivation, Gordon once more rejoined the battle.

A hunter spotted him and underestimate the lone prey. Gordon aimed and fired. The hunter staggered. It retaliated and shot blue bullets towards him and he dived behind a pile of rubble. He heard that gleeful noise the damn thing made a second before it leaped through the air and over Gordon. Before it could land, Gordon aimed right in the sweet spot and plugged it full of ammo. The blue bastard never landed so gracefully.

Not wanting to give the impression that he was lying down on the job, Gordon jumped up and followed another hunter as it ran through the house. Snatching up a new machine gun full of ammo, Gordon wasted no time and unloaded it into the back of the hunter. When it was not enough, he finished it off with the revolver. One more.

This one he had no chance with. Just as he was taking aim, he heard a shot gun blast and saw the hunter fall to the ground with a whimper. Victor stood over his prize and smirked for only a second before turning to bludgeon a zombie that had the bad idea of sneaking up on him.

He was more of a survivor than Gordon could probably ever hope to be and that was perfectly fine with him.

The zombies were a piece of cake after those hunters they just took care of. Sure, one poisonous head crab probably came way too close for comfort but all that mattered was the fact that they were all dead in the end.

When the dust settled, Gordon wasted no time in returning to Barney's side. Only he wasn't moving. He was not coughing or swearing at Gordon for taking too long or aiming his gun at him or... _anything._

Feeling his neck in desperation, Gordon breathed easier when he felt the faint pulse. That was good enough. There was life in the old bastard yet.

Struggling to lift Barney up, two soldiers saw the trouble he was having and ran over to him. The three of them easily got Barney to the make shift hospital area in the basement. All the medics in the group were teaming up but none of them had any good news for Barney.

"He's got serious injuries doc. It's gonna be a miracle if we can save him." The man had scars on his face and blood on his jacket. He was apparently the best in the group but Gordon was finding it hard to believe if that was his diagnosis. He looked to Riley for help but she was carefully avoiding eye contact.

Gordon thought back on how the Vortigaunts had saved Alyx and shook his head. "I know it's possible, even if it takes days, if it takes more people. More supplies. I don't care what it takes."

"Well we do! Barney was one of the bravest men we could ask for but not anything is possible just because Gordon Freeman says it is!"

Gordon was losing his patience and beginning to see red, all he wanted to do was shout and curse and squeeze the idiot's neck. This desire to display so much emotion was rare for him.

It had been a while since he had felt anything but numb, but every time he thought back on the sound of Alyx's sobs and every moment he recalled his dream, the more there started to be something weird happening to him. There were emotions rising up in him and filling him up, he could feel them bubbling into his chest. Now he had wants. More than just the wants of the people around him. More than just the wants of those who controlled him. They were _his._

_I'm not a tool._

The feel of the ground vibrating beneath their feet put a stop to Gordon's angry brooding.

"Oh shit!" One of the medics exclaimed, racing for the stairs. "Now what?"

Gordon followed quickly and when the Head Medic began to follow as well, Gordon shook his head at the man angrily. "You stay down here with your patients."

To his surprise the vibrations were not that of more hunters. They were the vibrations of Dog galloping towards the house with a stoic looking Alyx riding his back. Gordon could hardly contain his smile at the sight.

Just seeing her gave him an immense feeling of relief and something that was much bigger. Something that he could not quite name and he was hoping perhaps maybe she would run up and hug him again. Then give him that shy smile once she pulled away.

Dog stopped in front of the house and Alyx jumped off his back. Before Gordon could register the look of fury on her face, she swung her fist, decked him, and then Gordon met the ground.

Groaning, Gordon rolled over onto his back and realized he probably deserved that. Not sure what for, but he was pretty sure Alyx would not go punching people in the face for shits and giggles.

Alyx knelt down beside him and he could see the tears threatening to spill. Gordon wanted to apologize, to reach up and brush the tears away that she seemed unaware of as they streamed down her cheeks.

"You left me Gordon." She whispered and he felt ten inches tall when her voice cracked. "You _left_ me." She frowned and began to shake her head a little as she said, "But that's fine." She tried to smile but it was a shaky smile, one corner of her lips were twitching. "I don't need to be looked after anymore. Not by anyone."

Then she stood up and was gone while Gordon lay on the ground feeling about as shitty as anyone possibly could in his situation.

"Where's Barney, huh?" He heard her ask someone as she walked away. "I haven't seen the goof in weeks."

He slowly started to get up, avoiding the gazes and ignoring the snickers of the few people still outside.

Everyone froze and looked towards the building when there came an angry shout.

"What do you mean _'letting him go'_!? He isn't a mutt!"

It suddenly made him feel ten times better that someone else was facing the wrath of Alyx, especially if it was the person in charge of taking care of Barney.

Maybe she was not at her happiest when she saw him but despite his sore cheek, Gordon was truly happy she was there. It was the happiest he had felt in a while.


	3. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer:** Half Life and it's characters are owned by Valve. I also took the chapter title and few lyrics from Trent Reznor. Also, the day after I chose this song for the chapter I saw the preview for the new Terminator movie and nearly pissed myself from all the awesomeness in it, including this same song.

**Author's Note:** The chapters featuring this character are probably all going to be short but I can't make any promises.

**Chapter Two:  
The Day the Whole World Went Away**

_I listen to the words he'd say_

But in his voice I heard decay

The plastic face forced to portray

All the insides left cold and grey

The ground was hard and it was cold. The test subject woke up holding her knees to her chest for warmth. When she slowly began to uncurl, pain shot up her side and she realized the cause for her waking so early.

Feeling with her hand for what was causing such discomfort, she realized she had somehow managed to fall asleep on a small, jagged rock. When she threw the offending object away from her, her body tensed at the noise it made. Someone could have heard that. Then she would be found.

Springing into a crouching position, she leaned on the balls of her bare feet and the palms of her hands and listened carefully. Throwing the rock had been a very foolish thing to do. It did not matter that she had been tired, that was no excuse for stupidity.

When it seemed like her presence had not been detected, the woman crawled closer to her well hidden camp, her long legs and arms making her look like a mutated spider. She had seen one of those, a mutated spider that is. Grown to an obscene size and much too fast for her liking. Usually she did not care if a spider was near by, but those things were different.

The bite she received from that beast before she managed to get away had rendered her arm useless for the better part of two days.

Shivering at the memory as well as the cold, she began to long for a fire. Fires were out of the question as she found out the first night in the woods. Building a fire had been hard and the sense of pride she felt when finally accomplishing the task faded when the moaning beasts flocked towards it.

There were things in the woods, things unlike any mutated animals or bugs she had seen. The things felt the heat, felt it in their cold decaying flesh and they searched it out. If they found her as well it was an added bonus and she would become a meal. Death was not in the plans and it would make her no better than those beasts. No one could appreciate her intelligence again. All because she had wanted heat like some spoiled brat.

She was still tired but it was not wise to fall back asleep. The rock had been a gift, an alarm clock of sorts. The day before, she had over slept. A soldier found her, probably considered himself lucky as well. His gloating and pride clouded his judgment, he should have never woken her up without first drawing his gun .

When she smashed the rock into his brains it was really his own fault. That was the end all who underestimated her met. It was merely survival of the fittest but she knew none who could best her. Not the moaning beasts or the barbaric soldiers.

Not all was lost in his life. She did not know his story but knew that his purpose in hers was to provide her with many needed supplies. From the dead soldier she looted a gun, a few ammo clips, and his jacket.

The gun was nothing like her past gun which was best left where it was buried far away. This gun could kill, it was a machine gun that she had an awkward time with at first. After practicing on a few beasts and soon finding out that she had a rather nice talent for it, the woman found herself wishing this soldier had entered her story a long time ago.

No matter, she received what she needed when she needed it. There was always a way to survive, it was up to her to figure out how. It was up to everyone else to either get out of the way or die.

The jacket was thick and heavy but blended in better than her orange jumpsuit. She only wore the pants now as she had ripped the top part off in order to make herself a wimpy backpack and her under shirt hardly did anything to protect herself from the elements.

Finding the jacket, she shrugged it on over her shoulders and immediately felt better. The thing still smelled which was the reason she had not worn it while sleeping, afraid of the dreams she might have influenced by the smell of the soldier she murdered.

She attempted to take his pants but they were far too big to be a wise choice of clothing for her and the boots were nice at first but soon began to make her feet blister. Her feet were bare now but tough from what she suspected were experiments she could no longer remember.

The woman was not certain where she was running to but she knew what she was running from. In a very short amount of time she also learned why it was smarter to bash a soldier's head in with a rock rather than plead for help. It took only one badly aimed bullet for her to figure that out.

She wondered if they had given up looking for her and wondered what she had done wrong. Perhaps they were brainwashed and sent to take her back... but their motive did not matter. All that mattered was beating them.

Making sure her gun was fully loaded, she packed up her few things into the makeshift bag she had made out of the top of her jumpsuit and a belt from one of the monsters she killed. Normally she ran away from the things rather than risk injuries from trying to destroy them - but this one had angered her.

It had sneaked close to her. In all the time she had been out there, she never knew these beasts to be stealthy. This one seemed to have a personality all to its own. It attacked her from behind and cut her with one of its disgusting claws along her stomach.

The woman knew fury when she realized she had been caught unawares by a beast. She was so angry at being bested by this stupid animal that she beat it and beat it and even after it died she had kept beating it.

After that, she had been in need of a bath. While in the ice cold water of a shallow river deep in the woods, she washed the belt she had swiped from the beast as well for it smelled of death. In the water she found none of the monstrous leeches but plenty of two-headed fish. Her stomach grumbled, longing to be able to catch one and cook it over a fire, but that would only be asking for trouble.

That had been nearly two days ago and her hunger only grew and kept her awake longer in the night. She was strong, however, and hunger pains did not intimidate her or harm her stamina.

Slipping the strap of her bag over her shoulder, she looked around her before she set off in a jog heading south. It was almost sunrise which meant that soon the helicopters would be out. However, in the past week the presence of the military seemed to be dwindling while the presence of the beasts in the woods grew larger.

Today she planned on trying the main road again, something she had not tried since the day she found out the soldiers were not the friendly types.

That had been a very bad day. She had been sore all over and replaying the past in her head. There was vomit on the ground near her and she felt like she would be sick again.

Trying to stand up made her feel dizzy and she bit back a shout of pain when she felt her braces dig into her ankles. She must have landed at the wrong angel and finally the damn things broke.

Reaching down, she bit down hard on her lip and tasted blood as she attempted to pull them out in one quick motion. Fast. Like a band aid.

Her fingers slipped, the braces were wet and she knew she was bleeding too much. _Not too much. I'm just bleeding._ The test subject thought to herself. _Too much would imply that I'm ready to give up and ask for help. I should know by now that asking for help is overrated._

After scolding herself for being so weak she tried one more time and with a loud groan she held on tightly and pulled the bracer out of her left leg.

_You're only half way done._ She nodded, not allowing herself to take a brake should she talk herself out of completing what needed to be done.

This one was broken worse than the other, the top half dangling harmlessly from her calf while the other stuck into her ankle at two spots. Her tendon was not damaged, they were designed not to do any permanent damage should something _horrible_ happen.

Through the pain it occurred to her that she had no reason to know that but the information was there. Without pausing to consider this, she held tightly to both pieces and pulled. Tears streamed down her face and she let loose the cry of pain she had been fighting to keep back.

Despite how foolish she knew it was, when the offending object was out of her leg she pulled her wounded legs towards her chest and began to let herself sob. Not for the pain in her legs or the harsh words spoken by machines in what she had feared would be the last moments of her life.

What she sobbed for was unknown to her and later as she thought back at how stupid she had been for sitting out in the open and crying she would say that was why she was sobbing, because she did not know.

"You there, stand up." The voice was mechanical and it made the test subject's stomach feel about fifty pounds heavy. Looking up quickly, she saw a man with an odd uniform on and a machine gun pointed at her.

She wanted to give up then and tell the man she could not and hoped maybe he would just shoot her but as she moved her mouth no words came out. She could not remember the last time she spoke and wondered if perhaps she was a mute.

"I said move!" The soldier shouted at her and before giving her any time to cooperate he fired a warning shot at the ground beside her.

Rolling away from where the bullets hit the ground, she leaped to her feet and told herself to be bigger than the pain threatening to over take her and the fear trying to freeze her movements.

The soldier laughed at her and in that laughter the woman found her saving grace. Anger began to grow, red and hot and it melted away her paralyzing fears.

Done with his laughing, the soldier told her to sit back down so he could see her jump up again like that. "I haven't seen someone move like that since those Olympics still aired on the TV."

_He's making fun of me._ Looking at him with a tilt of her head, the woman calmly sat back down and waited patiently.

"Whatchu waitin' for? I told you what to do! Jump up again all fast like!" The soldier yelled at her, readjusting his aim on her.

Nodding, she unfolded with calculated movements. Her foot came up and kicked his gun out of his hands before he could think to react and once she got both feet under her again she shot out with her right fist and felt the cartilage of his bone crack under it.

His howl of pain was her signal to run for it. If she had been truly thinking maybe she would have picked up the machine gun and shot the soldier but she had not been thinking. Not really.

If she was thinking, she would wonder how she knew to twist her body that way or how she was able to deliver such a forceful punch. But all that was behind her, all she could do now was run.

As she ran away the soldier began to run after her. Now she had been the one to cause anger and that almost made her laugh as well.

The soldier was not calling for back up, apparently she was not the only one refusing to think that day. She knew even if she out ran him he could follow her trail for she must have been making a horrible one from her bleeding. Despite the adrenaline that pushed her on she feared she could at any moment collapse and that would be the end of her story.

When she heard shouting behind her and gunshots her first instinct was to dodge behind a tree and crouch down. When she did, however, she realized the gunshots had either been very poorly aimed or not even aimed at her for she heard them in the distance and none whizzed past her.

Daring to peek around the trunk of her tree, the test subject saw for the first time several beasts. They must have tried to come after her and in her hurry she had not even seen or heard them.

There were three of them and his gunshots barely hurt them and she almost shouted for him to aim for the head but remembered she could not speak.

Unable to look away she watched them begin to feed before the soldier's screams ended. He was meeting his end right before her eyes as she lay several yards away bleeding but safe. He had been armed while she had merely been lucky.

_No. I had been smart._

It was then that she had known for certain she would survive. Her wounds had healed over the weeks and she had grown stronger and smarter. Not a man with a silly gun could stop her or a machine with too much time on its hands and so neither could these dumb beasts. Not a damn one.

As she dwelt on these memories she had trouble finding the road and when at last she did she found the pavement did not feel good on her feet so she traveled beside it. At least she was used to the hard dirt. Every now and then she would turn with the road but it would always straighten up again so that she was once more heading south.

There was an odd sound in the distance that the woman almost ignored but soon realized it was the sound of a helicopter. Without bothering to look around for it, she sprinted for the tree line again. Leaning against the trunk of a large tree and breathing hard, she looked to the sky and waited for the helicopter to pass. It was flying very low to the ground and did not make an appearance for a minute and when it did, she sunk back behind the tree even more.

She did not let herself hope that it was a civilian helicopter. That kind of optimism was foolish and would get her killed. Sure enough she heard the bullets of the helicopter followed by that horrible moaning and screaming of the beasts from the forest.

Shuddering, the woman tried to bite back her fear at the noises. Fear was not something she could afford to feel. Fear caused acts of stupidity and she was not stupid. There was not a lot that she actually was, but she knew she was intelligent.

When the sound of the helicopter began to fade, she peeked from around the tree and breathed easier when she saw the coast was clear.

Break time was over and so she began her journey again in a jog. Despite the somewhat chill temperature outside, she was beginning to sweat and smell but at least she preferred her own body odor over the sickening smell of the belt and jacket she had stolen.

She found the bodies of the monsters the helicopter had slain and avoided them. The flies were surrounding them and the woman tried not to gag.

The highway turned around a large hill and the woman squinted at the large objects in the distance. Frowning, she wondered if she should hide again or check it out.

Her curiosity won despite how stupid she knew that was of her, and she kept on running.

The object began to take shape and looked less like a large dot the closer she got and more like a large truck. The woman tried not to get too optimistic about it, but a truck would be all sorts of useful to her.

Unless she was spotted by a helicopter of course...

Opening the door, the woman covered her nose and mouth as the stench of decay hit her and she leaped back, expecting one of the beasts to be hiding in there. When she heard no moaning, she stepped forward tentatively and leaned up on her tip toes.

Someone had shot through the the window and into the passengers head. She wondered if the driver had ran for it then but was unsure as there was no sign of anyone else.

Walking to the other side, she held her breath and opened the door before leaping away as the body slid out onto the pavement making a sick sound.

The woman walked away from the smell and the sight and held onto her stomach. It was no use, she could feel the bile rise in her throat.

Wiping her mouth with the soldier's jacket, she took out her canteen from her pack and rinsed her mouth out before taking a swig of water. Putting the jug of water away, she walked forward and inspected the body.

It looked to have belonged to a woman, a very short one. Hoping God was not looking, the woman knelt down beside the body and began to untie the comfortable looking walking shoes.

Trying not to gag or look into the mangled face, she slid the shoes off and then walked to the other side of the truck to see if they fit. They looked to be the right size, though they smelled truly horrible.

Smell was not an issue and she slid her sore feet into the shoes before tying them. They fit snugly but they would work. At least she would not get blisters right away.

The woman had also eyed the truck, but the windshield was all cracked and it probably would not start anyway. Besides that, there was brain all over the seat and she did not think her stomach could deal with that.

She continued on with her journey, leaving the dead truck and woman.

After an hour, she sat in the dirt and knew she had to rest.

Weeks ago she had found a house in the woods along with three graves and a skeleton sitting near a shovel. She had searched the house and not only did she find a rogue head hugger, she also found a pantry with a few cans of food.

Though she had rationed herself to one can every day the food was now gone and she hoped to find another house soon. From that house she had also swiped a screwdriver and had been able to use it as a can opener.

Taking out her water once more, she drank deeply and enjoyed the refreshed feeling it gave her.

Wiping her upper lip, the woman breathed heavily and looked down the road. If she squinted she could see another large object in the distance and she wondered if she was supposed to have glasses. Her sight had been excellent during the experiments but now it seemed to her that everything was getting fuzzy.

Maybe it was from exhaustion. She had been pushing herself too hard but that's just how she was.

Apparently. Not that she had ever realized it about herself until that moment but she was indeed a pusher with a stamina not to be reckoned with.

Standing, she put her water away before setting off again towards the object in the distance.

Indeed, as she got closer to the object she realized she had found another car that had been stopped. Peering through the windshield, she wondered what had drove these people off. Opening the door with her pistol drawn and looking cautious, she saw and smelled nothing out of the ordinary and frowned.

Crawling in she saw someone had already stolen the keys. Or the previous owners took them. It was a mystery and she was not real concerned.

There was a knowledge in her fingertips as she knew she did not need a key, all she needed were to find the right wires.

As the car purred around her, the woman smiled at her own success. However, the smile faded when she saw she had less than a quarter tank of gas.

It would get her far enough, she could ditch the car if she had to. Walking had gotten her this far.

Placing the car in drive, she headed down the empty highway towards the mountains in the distance. Wherever she was running to, at least now she might get there faster.

As she drove on, she began to come across more vehicles and after inspecting each one found that she had been extremely lucky finding hers. Most of the cars either had dead drivers and passengers or were stuck there because they had been driven until they were bone dry.

She drove on at a steady pace trying to milk as much mileage as she could out of the vehicle. It drove on for another two hours and when it finally ran out of gas she figured it was around noon.

Looking up at the depressing looking sky, her mouth opened wide in a large yawn and she was soon talking herself into taking a nap. After all, if she huddled in the back she should be okay.

Curling underneath the large soldier coat that now smelled like her sweat, she was quick to fall into a deep sleep and knew this would be best for her exhausted body. She needed to rest.

She would worry about finding food when she woke up. That was as good a plan as any as far as she could see.


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three  
Past The Mission**

_Everyone wanted something from him_

Well I did too but I shut my mouth

He just gave me a smile...

Steel walls surrounded her and the gray sheets did nothing to warm her. They were her only friends and they were all she wanted. Selfishly, she slept away for days and each time she opened her eyes to gaze around the empty room, her head pounded worse than before in need of more and more sleep.

Turning to lie on her stomach, Alyx closed her eyes.

"No one is looking hard enough!"

The voice was full of anger and that anger was truly frightening but Alyx was safely hidden away and so instead of cowering, it only made her want to giggle. Covering her mouth with one tiny hand, Alyx looked through the bars of the air vent and knew from Dr. Kleiner's stories of Old Black Mesa that it was practically a sort of initiation to climb through them.

However, ever since Dr. Keliner captured a head humper to keep as a "pet", even Barney didn't much like the idea of climbing through the air vents anymore, but Alyx knew Lamarr would only nibble on ya.

As she remembered Dr. Kleiner telling her of Barney and Dr. Freeman climbing through the air vents she imagined herself in that situation. Fighting the zombies and head humpers when no one knew what the hell they were doing there.

Secretly, Alyx called the man Gordon in her mind. Barney and her dad did the same out loud but Alyx always felt awkward calling him Gordon when speaking about him or asking questions about him, but in her mind he was Gordon and on lonely nights when she was especially missing her mother or when her dad was working late and could not tuck her in, she imagined he was there talking to her.

She did not know what he would say or what he would sound like, but she told him about Barney teaching her how to shoot and she made up stories for him to tell her about everything that had gone wrong.

"Alyx!" Her dad was truly bellowing and she bit down on her bottom lip to stop from laughing.

When Dog suddenly appeared under her, her amusement stopped and she became scared. If her dad found her in the air shaft she would be so dead. She was hoping to stealthily climb away and use her tools to open the grate in Barney's bunk so she could swing down and scare him.

He called her his little monkey and she called him her big dweeb. It was a loving relationship where Barney was constantly bragging about the fact that he could beat her up. Not for long, though, she was training and once she got a little taller she was sure she could take him.

"Shoo!" Alyx whispered, hoping Dog would listen this time. The robot was only a few years old and a few feet tall. With all the shouting going on about Alyx, it sensed she was in trouble and finding her unharmed in an air shaft confused the poor robot into standing their with its held tilted comically.

Rolling over in her bed, Alyx opened her eyes and looked up at the ceiling. The sunlight coming through her tiny window was gone, she noticed. Wasn't it just morning when she rolled onto her stomach?

There was too much blood. Alyx was used to blood, she saw it a lot in her training and it never had phased her, but she had never seen so much of it coming out of her dad.

The medics shoved her from the room, but not before she heard one of them say, "We'll have to cut it off."

Barney and Dog kept her company but Barney did not speak. Dog kept its head in Alyx's lap and she tried to busy herself by taking one of her tools out from her belt and tightening a few of his loose bolts, but her hands were shaking too much.

Seeing this, Barney reached forward and held onto her hands. She thought to herself, _This is the first time someone unrelated to me has held my hands._ It was unromantic though and Alyx felt like she was with a protective and dorky big brother as she leaned her head against his chest. She felt safe.

Stretching, Alyx sat up but the room began to spin and her head felt too heavy for that much movement. When she laid back into her bed to stop the world from spinning she noticed the water and soup set out for her on the table near her bed but she did not bother with them as she was more concerned with closing her eyes once more.

Barney was gone and would be gone for a long time, he said. Her father was just getting better and able to start walking again with his prosthetic leg.

Alyx felt like crying but the room was too crowded for that, she would feel silly and childish. The world was too old for children. That's what Dr. Mossman told her when Alyx hid in the air vents just to get a reaction from her father.

Everyone crowded her father and there was no room for her to squeeze through. For a few minutes they all patted him on the back and congratulated him on a quick recovery, but the next minute it was back to business. They had lost valuable time while he was getting mended, didn't he know? They had much work to do and less and less time to do it as days go by.

Every day they were not found was a gift.

Alyx left the room and one of the doctors saw she was not doing anything and assigned her to take Dog and deliver some supplies to Ravenholme. Sounded easy enough. After all, she had not been outside in a long time and Ravenholme was always a friendly place to be.

Alyx opened her eyes and forced them to stay open. A sick feeling had settled into her stomach as she thought of that last trip to Ravenholme. All the moaning, the cries of pain...

Sitting up, she fought back the cloudiness that threatened to take over and concentrated on how thirsty and hungry she was and how badly she really needed to visit the restroom.

Rising to her feet, Alyx had to hang onto her bed as her legs refused to work for a moment and she almost toppled onto the floor.

"Woah. That's never happened after a nap before..." Alyx muttered, her words slurring together. She was not sure how long she had been sleeping but she knew that it had not been long enough. The only thing keeping her from crawling back into her warm, safe cocoon were the threat of nightmares.

She looked down and saw that she was wearing sweats and a thin shirt that smelled bad but then she realized that was her own body odor she was smelling, not the laundry detergent or lack there of.

When testing the water, Alyx saw that the shower turned on and she realized that must mean it was Shower Day, and if she remembered correctly, Tuesdays were always Shower Day.

Which meant she had been sleeping for the better part of three days. What was wrong with her? Had she been drugged? The last thing she could remember before falling into her bed was being carried back by Dog, the scientists fretting over the body while Gordon lay unconscious and unattended to a few feet away.

She had clutched onto Dog, thankful for her robot companion in the place of her absent human ones, of course that was what the machine had always been for, to stand in for the absent things in her life. She could feel him be gentle and compassionate with her much like she was sure masters could feel the feelings in their pets they were close to. The emotion should not have been there considering what Dog was but then there were many things that should not be.

Such as the dead body of her father. The aliens infesting her planet that was probably originally an awesome place. Emotions in her pet robot, real and raw and calculated. None of it made sense or added up and she hated it when it didn't add up.

Realizing she was standing under the water for far longer than was allowed, Alyx scrubbed at her hair and skin furiously in an attempt to get clean in a hurry. The water changed randomly from hot to cold but she was used to that.

There were no towels and so Alyx shook her short hair with her fingers to help it dry and used her bedsheets to help dry off her body as her room was very cold now.

Her regular clothes lay on the floor looking as if they had been folded neatly but she must have ruined that when she was stumbling for the toilet.

Putting her comfortable and worn clothes on made her feel almost whole again. The blood stains were out of her jacket and she decided she could duct tape over the holes when she got the chance... until then it just added some character.

She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all as she forced herself to worry about her clothes being too torn or the temperature of her room but instead she ran a shaky hand through her hair. What could she do? Dog had waited until she had exhausted herself with sobs before carrying her away and she knew that if she started again she would exhaust herself, collapse to the floor or her bed and sleep forever and ever if she let herself. Waste away into nothing and become as empty as the future.

That was pessimistic even for her.

Patting her thighs a little too erratically to look casual, she distracted herself with jittery movements so that she could focus on what to do rather than what to think.

_Right now I should... go see if the world ended while I was asleep._ Alyx decided suddenly through the fogginess that still clouded her mind. There was no longer any clarity there and she knew it would be a long time coming but she refused to think of what she would have to go through to get it back, would she be losing a piece of her soul to walk out of her room looking over everything and ready to be of service or should she continue to wallow in misery and let everyone see she was a hair away from turning into the resident basket case? Barney would have to take her out back and put a bullet to her if she went too loony. Food shouldn't be wasted on the ones who were already dead and didn't know it.

No that was wrong, that was not what she believed. She walked down the hallway and to the elevator as she thought all this, not sure where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do. So she went on autopilot and let her feet do the walking and counted the bars out loud to stop her jumbly thoughts.

"You're awake!" Dr. Magnusson shouted abruptly. Sympathy was not his forte and so Alyx recognized him pointing out the obvious in his outside voice in an attempt not to have to be the one to ask how she was feeling, would she like something hot to drink and talk about emotions? Maybe he was hoping if he shouted enough she would burst into tears and run out of the room. Wouldn't that be the healthy thing to do? Wouldn't that show them all that she was not passing her own father's death off like another fallen soldier?

Of course that wasn't what she was doing. Of course he couldn't wish or think that. Alyx knew she was simply being paranoid, or at least she knew she really hoped she was just being paranoid.

"That is a uh... surprise." Dr. Kleiner said in a much more gentle voice.

"Don't tell me I'm the only one?" Alyx said, looking for her faithful mechanical companion and the two founding members of the Black Mesa Dork Club. Barney and Gordon... she would have to let him know that he was added to the club in her mind now that he was hanging around. She had originally named Barney as the single founder of that particular club but now she would have to fix that. He used to try and get her back for that so much, catching her at her worst moments for a surprise attack and then passing it off as keeping her on her toes for the field.

Until her dad yelled at the pair of them for breaking one of the computers during a tussle. The vein got all poppy in his neck and everything.

It hurt Alyx's face to smile at the bittersweet memory and so she did not. "When did Barney arrive?" she asked, desperately needing someone else other than the two doctors she was currently stuck with. Especially if she was going to get through this. Doctors Magnusson and Kleiner, while part of the family, were not especially emotion savvy and so she felt she had a much better chance of her thoughts running awry and making herself loony if she stuck with them for much longer. Especially since they were being unusually quiet...

It wasn't until the pair of them exchanged a very nervous and very familiar _look_ that she knew something was most definitely up.

Barely ten minutes later, Alyx was riding the back of Dog through the forest. The doctors had shouted after her about dangers and told her she shouldn't go alone and maybe it was because she was remembering all the times her father had tried too hard to protect her or maybe she was remembering all the times he had had faith in her or maybe she was just remembering everything about her father and how deeply she loved him and the two men who forgot to invite her along for the ride _again_, but whatever it was it was causing her to leave White Forest like a mad woman with something to prove.

Finding Gordon was simple enough. All one ever had to do was follow the road paved with dead bodies.

When she jumped off Dog's back, something flared inside of her when she saw the fun was all over and Gordon was smiling at her. Of course, that was all she should have expected from him. Once she had run to hug him being so grateful to find he was alive and alright but no, she comes running to the aide - albeit a little late - and all he can do is stay where he is and give her a little patronizing smile.

What was she expecting, a high five? A hug? Voluntary contact with her? Hell, even a 'I'm sure as Hell am glad to see you Alyx' would have been a little appreciated instead of the whole mystery shy guy act he kept up around her.

_He has to talk _sometime_ right? I mean he's the damn One Free Man! He's supposedly good friends with everyone and a great guy to hang out with. Of course, that's everyone but me I guess._ This bitter anger was uncalled for and on some level she knew it but mostly at the moment all she knew was that Gordon Freeman was driving her crazy just for smiling at her. Didn't he know... anything?

She wasn't aware of what she was doing until she did it and as her fist hurt and Gordon lay in the dirt looking up at her with shock marring his usually stoic features, her red hot anger ebbed into something much more raw and alarming. Something confusing. Embarrassment, hurt, anger, misery. Was it possible to suddenly, if only for a second, be filled with every emotion possible just from the way someone looked up at you? Particularly someone with askew glasses and a small red spot forming on his jaw?

Alyx was going to explode if she did not leave soon, and she did not know what the consequences of that would be and she did not want Gordon to think any less of her should it happen.

Still, she knelt down so that her face was close to his and she almost broke when she recognized all the confusion in his eyes along with something else. Something foreign yet familiar. Something she was desperate to put a name to but was too pessimistic that day to even dare.

"You left me Gordon." She whispered and tried not to let herself loose it as her voice cracked, her eyes filled with tears and her throat clenched up. If she lost it there was no coming back and she didn't want Gordon to see her like that, not again. She didn't want him to think she was always this damsel in distress who needed rescuing from everything. Some things she could do on her own. "You left me." She frowned and began to shake her head a little as she said, "But that's fine." She tried to smile but it was a shaky smile, one corner of her lips was twitching. "I don't need to be looked after anymore. Not by anyone."

She did not wait for a response but then she was not expecting one and she walked into the very shabby looking building. As she walked away, she blinked furiously and focused on the fact that there were people there, Barney's people.

"Where's Barney, huh? I haven't seen the goof in weeks."

One of them took her inside and her nose wrinkled at the mixed smell of strong medicine kits at work and head-humper stench still stuck to the place.

Any hope she had of keeping any sort of calm nearly drained away when she saw Barney laying on a very beat up mattress looking as white as the sheets she had slept in the past three days.

"How's he doing?" She asked softly. A medic walked towards her and she recognized the look on his face. He was debating what to tell her, if he should leave anything out or if he should just full out lie to her. He was debating because she was a woman and she obviously would not be able to handle the truth. "Tell me."

The medic nodded with a small frown. This was every day stuff for the guy. People he tried to save died. It happened. Not every one of them had someone asking about their well-being, though.

"Calhoun isn't doing so hot. The majority of us agree it might be in everyone's best interest to... let him go..." She could tell the man was trying to put it delicately but Alyx's first instinct was to get emotional, well fine then maybe she couldn't handle the truth but it was not because she was a woman. It was because that was Barney Calhoun and as a general rule to get ahead in life, you don't harm Barney Calhoun. Hell, someone had already broken rule number one about her father and now the universe wanted to see what it could get away with? _I really don't think so._

"What do you mean 'letting him go'!? He isn't a mutt!" Alyx was aware of her voice rising in volume and shrillness but it was getting the desired affect. Sort of.

"We simply don't have the supplies for him here and we don't know that he would make it to White Forest with his wounds. It would be in everyone's best interests if we instead use our time and supplies on people who actually have a chance - "

"You're not telling me he doesn't have a chance." Alyx told him in a low voice, remembering her own survival thanks to the Vortigaunts and Gordon Freeman. Alyx called in Dog and the robot came obediently, taking up much of the tiny room due to his size. "We're taking him with us to White Forest, where he _will_ have a chance."

"You can't move him, it would only worsen his wounds!" The medic said desperately, moving to stand in front of Barney though he had to scramble out of the way when Dog stepped forward to gently pick up the wounded man, just as he had picked up Alyx three days ago.

"Don't you tell me what we can't do." Alyx said before hopping on the back of Dog. He could not use his front two legs but could still easily gallop and so he did and they left the disappointing party behind them. Alyx was going to bring Barney back home at last. He wasn't going to leave her.


	5. Chapter Four

A/N: Ended up going in a different direction for this chapter than previously planned but I think I like this better for her character development. To the reviewer Thian, I was wondering if you beta'd? I get you on the wkward wording and the long first chapter, I am currently revising that - although I lost the part I was revising and am now really annoyed and have to start over but that is besides the point - but I have my reasons for making the dream sequences confusing. I was hoping it was not confusing in an annoying, I-hate-this-story kind of way, though.

**Chapter Four:  
Down In It**

_All the world's weight is on my back_

And I don't even know why

What I used to think was me is just a fading memory

I looked him right in the eye and said

"Goodbye."

An earthquake woke her up. As she became more alert, she realized it was not an earthquake, there several moaning creatures outside banging against the car she had tried to nap in. They were making her world toss and turn violently.

She heard the glass above her cracking for only a second before it shattered and pieces fell on her. Scrambling up away from the window, she found her gun and fired at it. It took five shots in the head before it collapsed and another took its place, reaching for her. She fired at them all but she could hardly see them in the dark.

_How did they find me?_ She had not been making any noise or giving off an excessive amount of heat. Could these beasts track? It seemed impossible to her but she was not going to waste any time thinking on that at the moment and instead invested her time in shooting.

She had to change clips and she only had one left. More beasts had come to the window and the moment she gave them was long enough. Two clawed hands ripped the door off the car and tossed it away as if it were no more heavy than an empty carton of milk.

Her usually deft fingers stumbled and slipped with the clip now and she cursed herself. Only idiots panicked like this. She was not an idiot, how could she be the best if she crumbled now?

Just as she aimed, gunfire went off and the creature's head popped off only to reveal a human head underneath as it fell to the ground. The rear window exploded from what she hoped was simply a bad aim and she ducked down in her seat to avoid being killed by a potential rescue crew.

It took hardly a few minutes for the moaning outside to cease and be replaced by humans congratulating themselves loudly.

Poking her head up experimentally, she saw shadows and fires. Many fires. The shadows were talking and moving towards the car.

"Gotta be something good in here for them to be actin' all weird like that." A gruff male voice said to someone.

"Worked nicely for killing them all and not having them attack us back. Whatever it is, I suggest we rename it to 'Bait'." This voice was a little younger sounding but still masculine.

Gripping her gun, she decided to step out of the car before they found her crumpled up and looking defeated. That was not the impression she was to give anyone about her.

With calculated movements and grace she was accustomed to, she was out of the car and on her feat with her gun drawn at the shadows.

"Woah there!" The younger voice said to her side, and feeling silly she turned towards him. He looked to be in his early twenties. He was dirty and dressed in camoflauge but not in the way the military men were dressed. Still, she did not lower her weapon even as he held his hands up defensively, his own shotgun aimed up in the air.

She really wanted that shotgun.

"Drop yer weapon, girl." The older man spoke. Her eyes were adjusted to her surroundings now and she looked at the older man out of the corner or her eye. He had his own shot gun aimed at her and she knew at this proximity he really didn't have to be surgeon with it to do some damage.

_They have the upper hand._ She told herself and she accepted that and set her weapon down gently. _But they will underestimate you._

The young one picked it up and she fought the urge to take him out with a swift kick to the head. The knowledge was at the edge of her memory but she did not release the lock on it, not yet. She had a feeling that she might want to see what these people were all about if they were not with the military forces she had been hiding from.

Of course, she knew relying on gut feelings would probably get her killed but no one was watching to judge how she survived. No one had to know her moment of insanity and weakness, did they?

"That isn't your jacket, is it?" the young one asked her and though it was none of his business she shook her head in reply. He smirked and it almost made her smile as well but she fought the urge and simply stared back at him.

"Come on girl. No more pulling weapons on us and we'll let you into the club." The older man said and lead her towards the fires.

She tried to shake her head and tell them that's where the beasts flock to but it just came out as a strangled groan. The men looked at her and it was then that she noticed others around her. Women and men alike, young and old and different races. She could look into their eyes and see how they thought of her.

She was a traveling loony in there eyes. She wondered how she looked now after so long in the wilderness. Not that the groupe of them were full of well dressed and clean shaven strangers but they were strangers with judgemental stares all the same. Even so, she was glad to see them. For too long she was staring at a face of metal or plastic, calculating tones instead of feeling them. Maybe they were not very smart for building their fires but they were human.

"Unless you wanna stay out here in the dark," a woman with dusty blonde hair said with a shrug. The woman shook her head and joined them.

They tried to start a conversation with her but her throat was still raw. After a while they gave up asking her questions, like what her name was and where she was from. Even if she could speak she would not be able to answer them.

They assumed she knew what was wrong with the world, why they were forced to hide like animals from the moaning beasts and the military men. She did not remember life before waking up surrounded by glass walls and a timer counting down to zero.

However, she was sure it had not been like this. She was sure it had been better.

...She was sure she had not been adopted as well. Almost positive but then there was so much more she was unsure of. So much more she wondered about in this world that she wondered if she wasn't made out of carbon and merely had a computer chip in her brain.

She pinched her arm and grunted at the sharp pain. Robots didn't feel pain, did they?

"Did you think you were dreaming?" The younger man asked softly as he took a seat on a cinder block beside her. His name was Jeremiah. She wondered who named him and she wondered who named her.

She shook her head.

"You've been alone a long time." Jeremiah stated and she nodded shortly. He was talking quietly to her, as if they were sharing secrets. She eyed his gun as he turned towards the fire. He was the one with the shotgun.

Concentrating very hard, she opened her mouth and he watched her curiously. It was sort of annoying how open he was with his feelings, how clearly they showed on his face. Didn't he know anything? Didn't he know they were out there, watching and judging? Calculating your skill? Testing your calmness when facing opponents? Why couldn't he just be his best?

Looking away with wide eyes, she stopped her inner temper tantrum. That was not calmness. That was not sanity.

"I have been alone for a very long time." She spoke the words quietly and softly as if to explain her thoughts to this man who could not know them.

"But you can speak. That's a... plus, right?" He asked.

She looked at him evenly, having schooled her features once more.

"You are very sweet." She stated and though her voice was hoarse she could hear the emptiness of it. Maybe she might as well be a robot. His cheeks began to color and she found it less annoying than his expression of innocent curiousity from before. She needed to change the subject, she needed to not find him endearing.

"I want your gun."

* * *

They had tried to stop her. She recognized that they were on the same side, however, and so she did not kill them. Some, though, were left feeling very uncomfortable and bruised a bit.

It was better this way.

She traveled alone.


	6. Chapter Five

**Disclaimer:** Half Life and it's characters are owned by Valve. I also took the chapter title and few lyrics from Bob Marley.

**Chapter Five  
No Woman, No Cry**

_Good friends we have, oh, good friends we have lost_

_Along the way_

_In this great future, you can't forget your past_

_So dry your tears, I say_

Barney was cruising. He was gaining momentum. He was a speed demon. His colors were red and yellow and his trademark was AMF. No other trike stood a chance against his Calhoun Race-trike.

"Barney! You slow down before you run someone over!"

Slamming on his breaks, Barney skidded to a half just in front of the neighbor's house. He looked over his shoulder innocently at Ma who was just getting home from work and relieving the babysitter of her trying duties. Bad timing.

Performing an illegal U-turn on the narrow sidewalk, Barney slowly pedaled back home, not so far away as houses in suburbia rarely were.

"I was showing off my moves," Barney said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, I know. Knocking down that little girl isn't gonna make her too happy, though, goof ball." His Ma sad as she opened their front door and went inside. Barney dismounted and followed her but could not keep the disgusted look off his face.

"Not her!" He exclaimed and saw the smirk on his Ma's face. She was teasing him! No fair!

He had been showing off for the moving men their new neighbors next door hired to do their muscle work. All afternoon he was making quick turns and skidding stops in the hopes of getting an awesome reputation in front of all those really strong dudes.

"Chill, little man. I'm just playin'." His ma said with a sweet smile and he could never help but smile back, not matter how much he wanted to keep up his scowling. She was thawing out chicken for dinner and his tummy started rumbling. The babysitter hadn't fed him again and breakfast with Ma had been an awfully long time ago.

"Yeah, I know."

She ruffled his hair as she passed.

"I'm gonna go get cleaned up while the chicken thaws. What do you say you go bug some neighbor kids for a while?" His ma asked. "Just cool it with the trike for a little while."

Barney went to his room and put his cowboy hat on and switched his tennis shoes with his cowboy boots. Checking himself in the mirror, he had to admit he looked pretty studly. No other first grader could match up.

With his hands deep in his blue jean pockets, Barney walked down the sidewalk and eyed the men with the moving van curiously. They were hauling out a grand piano and it was the first one he had ever seen in real life.

"Beep beep!"

Barney did not react quickly enough. Before he knew it, he had been creamed into the sidewalk by a pink and green trike. Though the pain in his knees and palms of his hands was really standing out, mostly all he could think of was how stupid colors those were for a trike.

"Lauren! You are in so much trouble young lady."

"We haven't even been here for a full hour!"

"I _said_ beep beep!"

Barney didn't know he had tears running down his face until a worried looking lady helped him up and everything was blurry. A little girl stood in front of him looking very angry.

"Apologize Lauren," the man standing nearby said sternly.

"I'm sorry!" She said with a huff.

Barney wiped his face and only sniffled in reply. She was probably the prettiest girl his age he had had ever met. And he was pretty sure he was going to die of embarrassment.

* * *

Barney woke up. When had he passed out? The last thing he remembered was yelling at Gordon.

People were yelling. Always angry and faces full of frowns. Or maybe he was finally in hell. Well, he had been training for this over the past twenty years.

The world was moving. Cold, metal claws reach for him. His vision was filled with Alyx's angry face. Why was she angry at him? His head hurt so much. It hurt to think. It hurt to be awake.

As the world continued to spin, Barney got a glimpse of Gordon's bruised face just before he passed out again, this time in Dog's arms.

* * *

"My mom told Susie's mom that she saw your mom prostituting herself and that's how she can afford for you two to live here."

Barney didn't know what 'prostituting' meant and he was sure Abby didn't either but when she said it with that nasty voice and with her friends laughing at her sides... well it sure sounded like she was saying something really bad.

"Abby, you're just so damn jealous 'cause you'll never be pretty enough to go prostituting." Barney smiled at the sound of his best friend's voice. Making sure there weren't any tears on his face, Barney looked to Lauren and his smile turned to a grin when he saw she was wearing her cowgirl hat to match him.

"I'm telling my mom that you said bad words in front of me!" Abby squealed. Lauren simply showed a rude hand gesture and that sent them running home to their mothers.

Lauren was one of the bad kids. The ones who have to move to a new school after some innocent hijink turned so, so wrong. Rumors ran amuck in suburbia but only Barney knew the true story of what happened at Lauren's elementary school. Not even the psychologist the judge suggested her parents start taking her to knew.

And then there was Barney Calhoun. That poor, weird little boy who was obsessed with pretending he was a space cowboy shooting aliens. The lack of a father figure was obviously to blame. He was getting too old to be dressing up in his hat and boots and tackling that weird neighbor girl. There was nothing good to come of it.

Barney didn't know this. All he knew was that the coolest first grader ever was holding his hand as they walked to her front yard. And when she smiled at him, he knew he was in love.

* * *

"He is still in critical condition." The quivering voice belonged to Dr. Kleiner but Barney could hardly hear it. Where was everyone? Why were they so far away? He couldn't remember where he was or how he got there.

"My head," Barney groaned but speaking only made it worse.

"He's awake!" Alyx eclaimed and Barney saw two of his favorite people staring down at him. Gordon and Alyx. They were so blurry.

"Missing one amigo." Barney told them but that was all he was able to get out before sleep claimed him again.

* * *

"No, Barney Calhoun. I will not go to the homecoming dance with you." Lauren said through gritted teeth. At sixteen she was still the prettiest, smartest, baddest girl he knew. And Barney was still the one who knew her best.

"Liar." He said with a smirk and snatched her book away. She was attempting to read rather than hang out with him and that was just not acceptable.

"Barney, I swear, I am gonna beat the shit outta you." Lauren was glaring at him but did not move from where she sat on his front porch railing. He had never been skilled enough to balance on that and so he stood in front of her and annoyed her in his free time.

"Probably." He said with a shrug and set her book down. "I think you'd rather dance with me." He grinned and started playing with her hair just to annoy her. Instead of getting annoyed like she usually did, she just sat there and gave him a weird look.

"You dancing would be a very silly thing," she said seriously.

"If you're about to break my heart just do it quickly. I am a sensitive soul and you wouldn't want to -"

Laurned was quick to cut off that tired old speech and did so by learning forward and giving him a chaste kiss on the lips.

Their first kiss.

When she pulled away she was blushing. Barney always figured she was too hard to blush. It was cute. It was perfect.

"Oh," Barney said softly.

* * *

The doctors said he was well enough to sit up but there was always someone close by should he start to feel dizzy.

All this was way too sissified for him and Barney really wanted to go clear his head by kicking Lamarr around the lab. Barney quickly found out that was not a funny joke when Dr. Kleiner was in the room as the freakazoid headcrab had recently gone missing.

Luckily it was while Barney was gone so he could not be blamed.

Barney was staring at the ceiling when Gordon walked in. Every time he closed his eyes all he saw was Lauren's face. Sometimes he could go so long without thinking of her but when this time of year came around it seemed every well built wall crumbled and he was left shaking and sobbing should anyone leave him alone.

Gordon was breathing heavily and sweating profusely.

"You really smell." Barney told him.

"Yeah, well you got a funny looking plate in your head." Gordon shot back. Whoever said Gordon Freeman was closed mouth had obviously not sat down with him while Barney was in the room. Or they had failed to involve beer.

"Oh shove it, orange suit." Barney said, using his old nickname for him.

Gordon gave Barney a small smile and with a sudden pang he recalled introducing him to Lauren. The way she had teased and made Barney jealous of not getting any attention until Gordon shouted, whilst very drunk, that she was in store for an ass kicking.

Somehow that night had ended up with them playing scrabble but they had all been so drunk that Barney was fuzzy on the details.

Barney blinked back into the present and realized Gordon was talking.

"Sorry, what?"

"I was just saying that the doctors are pushing us to get in that helicopter." Gordon said softly.

Barney knew this helicopter. It was the reason he had been trying to to hurry back so that they didn't leave without him. He was used to being excluded from certain missions but not this one. He wasn't getting left with the doctors. Long nights surrounded by strangers with death written on their faces. Not when he was so weak.

"Really." Barney said slowly. "When do they want us to leave?"

When Gordon didn't answer right away, he knew what was coming.

"Barney..." Gordon started and sounded extremely awkward.

"Don't even tell me I'm not invited." Barney said with a hollow laugh. "That would be rude."

"It wasn't my decision." Gordon tried.

"What makes it there's?" Barney snapped back and immediately regretted getting pissy. Looking away, Barney stared at the other hospital beds, some empty but most full, and tried not to remember how sweetly Lauren would smile at him. Just at him.

"You aren't in any sort of condition to be going with us." Gordon tried a different approach. The make-Barney-feel-worse-than-he-is approach. People were real big fans of that one.

"I'm fine." Barney said. "Besides, it'll be a long ride." He turned to face his old partner in crime. "Sucks to what those lab coats say, Gordon."

Gordon was obviously trying to fight back a smile and it made Barney start to grin. "Besides, I know how to get to all the medication and junk. I'm one of those people trusted with security codes. Load me up with morphine and put a gun in my hand then we'll see who the real leader of men is in this room."

"Damn it." Gordon muttered, covering his face with his hands and Barney could tell he was trying not to laugh. That meant victory.

At last, he dropped his hands and a full grin was spread across his face. It was almost like old times. Barney was always a bad influence on Gordon, talking him into rolly chair races right in front of the hall cameras.

"They are going to kill us." Gordon said at last. Those were always the final decisive words in any plan Barney schemed up. "They," always meant the scientists and Barney and Gordon always deserved a regular death sentence from them.


	7. Chapter Six

**Disclaimer:** Half Life and it's characters are owned by Valve. I also took the chapter title and few lyrics from Trent Reznor.  
**Author's Note:** I just wanted to give a big thank you to my reviewers! So thank you! I really do appreciate all the feedback I get and the helpful criticism, I've made a few changes to chapter one obviously and broken it up into two chapters. I will probably be revising Alyx's chapter and maybe others as I usually do get so excited about completing a chapter that I just don't proof read it a million times - something my work really needs. If anyone would be willing to beta read for me, though, that would be greatly appreciated. Usually I can catch most of my mistakes as I read it over but I don't catch everything. Thanks again you awesome people!

**Chapter Six  
Something I Can Never Have**

_You always were the one to show me how  
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now  
This is slowly taking me apart  
Grey would be the color if I had a heart_

Now she was the hunter. Her prey was not very stealthy in the least bit and though it was very dark in the woods she could hear it crashing through the underbrush. The woman had never known these beasts to flee or to be so quick on their feet.

"Help me!" The cry was pathetic and came from the south, just in front of the woman. "Somebody, please!"

The beast had obviously become distracted. The woman did not consider herself to be noble but the chance to save this pathetic soul from the beast did make her run that much harder.

She saw it staggering in front of her. Wounded and whimpering. Without pausing, she leaped and tackled the beast. While soaring through the air, however, the beast turned to face her and the woman ended up straddling its front.

With wide eyes, she saw the beast had a human face. A crying, female face and she was bleeding from her shoulder where the woman had missed horribly with her new shotgun.

"What is this?" Her voice was still hoarse.

"Please, just let me go. I swear I don't know anything important."

The woman watched the sniveling human beneath her and wondered what this trickery was. Very quickly, she realized there was a chance she might be insane. She was treating this human - this _person_ - as another test.

_Are they still watching? Is she still out there, spying on me?_

There was more crashing in the woods and there was shouting. The woman looked around guiltily. She had failed and now they were coming for her.

"Carissa!" It was the shout of the wounded female's mate and the woman heard the need to protect in his voice.

Looking down at the now quiet female, she studied her face. It was full of fear. It needed protection. Ying yang. They were meant to be and tearing them apart was not one of her tests. It would only be disastrous.

"I am not crazy," she told her, though she was not altogether sure who she was trying to convince. The male was getting closer and he was getting angry with worry. Bad combination in a man so large. And he was large. She could feel it though she did not know how. Still, she could dispose of them both if she had to but would that prove her sanity to anyone?

It would prove her skill and talent but she had done that enough already, hadn't she? Maybe the tests were at last over. She was not what they were looking for. It was time for her disposal.

"Your name is very pretty, Carissa." The woman said and then she jumped to her feet and ran, heading north. Away from the angered mate.

She ran for hours until it was dawn and she came crashing out of the woods onto a beach. The sun warmed her and she smelled the ocean. Something woke up inside of her and for a second she was very certain she was home.

As quickly as the door opened, however, it slammed shut and the woman ducked back into the safety of the woods and the darkness. This place was alien and new. Anything familiar about it was a dream and if she was letting dreams run her life then she truly was insane.

Surveying the land, she knew she must find a place to rest. If only for a few hours. Quiet her mind and pause the tests.

There was a shack less than a mile down the beach. It would be smarter to stay there than sleep in the woods or on the beach out in the open like she had initially wanted. That was the kind of thinking that got stupid people killed. Very, very stupid people.

The walk to the shack was fuzzy and peaceful. Or maybe she was just on autopilot and any beasts that bothered her simply melted into the scenery as she shot them full of rock salt.

The shack was full of unmarked crates. She pushed them around a corner and situated herself behind them. One hand clutched her shotgun and the other clutched her satchel as she fell asleep.

_The woman stood alone in nothingness. This was not sleep, she knew that. Just as she knew she stood on nothing but she was not falling nor was there a sense of floating._

Everything around her was nothing and she was in a world of nonexistence. Which meant, then, that she did not exist either and so the tests were over. Tests were complete. This was where you went when all was said and done and she was done. She was nothing.

"Quiet your mind, child." A raspy voice filled the nothingness. The voice made her feel something alien. Something that made her palms sweat and her breathing grow irregular.

"This is fear that you feel." The voice offered.

Fear is not real. Fear was something the enemy tried to use if you were weak enough to believe in it.

"It is very real. You feel it and so it is."

No. That was insanity.

Suddenly the nothingness was full and the woman was staring into a pair of cold green eyes that captivated her mind into stillness.

The man had a widows peak and his mouth was set in a stern line. He was reaching out a hand towards her and though she did not want him to touch her she was powerless to stop him.

"Remember," the man hissed in his croaky voice and as his hand made contact with her forehead she was thrown violently out of the nothingness.

She was sitting in a desk in a room full of other people sitting in desks. A man dressed in too much tweed stood at a chalk board and she watched as he began writing on the board. He began writing out the textbook definition of physics; she knew this man was Professor McAlli just as she knew this was her most boring class. Not because he was a boring person, but she already knew what the definition of physics was. This was not a challenging class.

The woman stood up and realized how close to the ground she was. She was not yet a woman. Only fourteen. None of the other students looked at her as she walked out of the classroom. Professor McAlli did not stop her.

She realized that was why she remembered his name so well. He was the man who did not stop her.

The halls were depressing and restricting. Suddenly she recognized rooms as she passed them. That was where she learned Russian. That room was where she practiced music and she knew there were two more classes but they were in another part of the building and so she could not remember them.

"Hello."

The woman, now a girl, turned to see who was talking to her. There was a man standing at the end of the hall and through that one word she could hear his distinct accent but it was an unfamiliar one.

"Hi," her voice was so tiny and no longer hoarse. She wanted to ask this man if he knew her name but then he would look at her like a freak.

"You're not in class." He stated and for a second she was worried he may start yelling at her but then she saw the kind smile on his face instead. She did not know this man but he was not yelling at her and so she liked him.

"It was boring. I already know the stuff he's talking about." She told him and noticed how disturbing his eyes were as he stared at her. Unlike the man in the nothingness, he had dark eyes against pale skin and blond hair. It was unnerving for her to look at him.

"That 'stuff' is going to be among some of the most important information you can know as you grow older." Now the blond stranger had his teaching voice on but she didn't recognize him as any teacher she had seen around the school before.

"Not me." She said stubbornly. She got her stubborn nature from her mother. _Whoever that was._

The man simply looked at her in silence and she was soon regretting leaving class. Why hadn't the teacher stopped her? This man was giving her the creeps.

"I'm supposed to bring you to Dr. Dominic."

The man spoke with authority and so her first instinct was to nod and follow him. As she walked with him down the hall in a direction she was unfamiliar with, she was screaming at herself inside but she had no control over her actions.

This was her memory. She was simply watching and remembering. It was not something she could easily accept and as her surroundings became more alien to her it only got worse inside her head.

The stranger led her to a pair of steel doors. The sign said staff only. He punched in the secret code on the number pad on the wall. Despite being gifted, she never understood why this school needed that much security.

The doors opened onto a railway and when the two walked out onto it, she looked down and saw that there were stairs leading down to what looked like a research facility. This must be where the older kids went when they learned all they could from Professor McAlli about physics and became fluent in Russian.

She even saw mats and a gymnasium area. This must be where you could be challenged.

"Who is Dr. Dominic?" She asked and the blond stranger did not reply right away but led her down the stairs instead.

"This way," he told her when she began to walk towards the mats. Looking over at him, she saw him pointing towards a hallway that branched off from the auditorium type area.

He led her through a door and the shiny cold surroundings were replaced with a spacious office decorated in purples and greens. She wrinkled her nose at the colors.

"Hello child."

The new voice startled her. She turned around and saw the blond man had left and a red haired woman stood in the doorway. It made the girl feel trapped and that feeling did no go away as the red haired lady closed the door and took a seat at the large desk.

"I'm supposed to be in class." The girl spoke nervously. The red hair lady's eyes flashed but she kept on that too-large smile that showed off her canine teeth. The girl wondered if the smiling was supposed to relax her. It did not.

"I am Dr. Dominic. I work with a group of scientists in search of brilliant young minds." The red haired woman, Dr. Dominic, said in a kind voice.

Inside the little girl's mind, where the woman was watching and listening with her hands shaking and her brain feeling like it might short circuit, the woman could remember that voice being cold and brutal.

_You will never be your best. Not ever. Not never ever. Ever. Ever. Ever._

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Dominic." It was not a pleasure, even then. The girl only knew it would be better to be polite for some reason. She wanted her mommy there to ask what the hell was going on but the girl was afraid to speak to grown ups like that.

"Please, please. Call me Arebella. After all, we will be becoming close friends in the near future I dare say." The smile was gone, and the woman inside was screaming.

She could not sit there and watch the memories anymore. Her mind felt like it would explode if she was trapped in that office any longer. The door to her memories was cracked but she could not yet stand the things that would come tumbling out.

_No no no no no._

The world faded to darkness again and the woman could hear her own sobs echoed across the black. Looking up, she wiped at her face as she met the green eyes of the man from before.

He no longer looked at her coldly. In fact he seemed uncomfortable standing there in front of her.

"I apologize... I was under the impression that you were ready... Soon._ Until the time that you are, I have prepared a safe haven. Get there quickly."_

The black was gone and the woman woke up gasping and clutching her gun. Scurrying to stand up, she tripped over the crates around her and fell with a grunt. She stood and ran out of the shack into the night and wondered only for a moment how long she had slept before taking off down the beach.

As she ran, the world was blurry around her. She felt the coldness and contempt that others felt for her. She could feel the death in her hands. The death she had caused and the death to come.

Her lungs were on fire when she stumbled and fell to the ground. She watched the sweat drip down and make little balls in the sand near her hands. She looked up and saw the moon reflected along the calm sea.

The woman stood and as she walked towards the water, she knew she could swim but wondered how long she could hold her breath. She wondered how heavy she would have to make her pockets so that she could sink to the bottom.

Along the seabed she would become like a stone and her name would be Pera. The lady rock. And all would be calm and quiet, like the moon reflected in the sea.

Only distantly did she register that there were people shouting in the distance behind her. Her sore feet were very near the water now and she would like so much to simply let go.

A series of gun shots sounded near her and the woman slowly looked over her shoulder to see who had aimed so poorly. Soldiers. They were bleeding out of the cliff side and she noticed searchlights coming from far off but she did not believe they would go through all that trouble for her.

They had spotted her, however, and she knew it would be only a matter of time before someone's aim was true.

A wheezy voice sounded out in her mind and deep in her chest.

_"Survive!"_

The woman ran and left behind the sea. Using a large rock for cover, she realized she was already breathing heavily and her heart was racing. She could hear it pounding in her ears and she wondered at the fear in her.

_"Now."_

She ran again, her eyes on a concrete building up ahead. There was a gate in her way with a padlock, without pausing, she aimed and fired at the padlock, forcing the gate to swing open. Running through it, she saw a ladder and decided to start taking some major insane chances.

She could _feel_ which way to go, she knew this was the way to that safe haven.

The ladder took her up to a hallway. She ran down it and with a glance to her right, noticed the window looked down on a courtyard. There was a ship flying in and she saw beasts and soldiers fighting. It looked like a war going on and she was pretty damn thankful for the distraction.

She reached the doorway at the end and slammed it open. Noticing the short walkway before her and the soldiers on the floor below just a little too late, she realized that had been very stupid of her.

There was no railing to help catch her footing and so the woman fell hard to the floor below.

The soldiers laughed through their helmets and never bothered to get their guns out.

"Guessin' higher up's sent us a little reward." One of them said but she couldn't tell which one had spoken.

_A little fun?_ The woman felt the anger boiling up insider her. Sure, she had done a very stupid thing. However, underestimating her was not something anyone got away with.

One of the soldiers stepped forward first and picked her up easily by the arm. The movement easily concealed her as she took out her revolver and shot upwards through the soldiers jaw into his brain meat. Blood splattered everywhere, including her face and it shocked the soldiers into hesitating just a second.

A second was all she needed.

They aimed clumsily but she knew the steps to this dance and grinned as they failed to keep up. Weaving through the bodies, she used some for shields before disposing them and smoothly changed weapons as needed.

The last one she had stabbed in the throat with her screw driver as a last, but calculated, resort. Wiping at her face, she wrinkled her nose at the smell of blood on her skin. One of these days she would be killing by stench.

As she inspected the bodies, looking for more ammo, she wondered if she was on the good side or the bad side. It did not feel like either to her.

Standing to examine a newly acquired and shiny gun, she ran her fingers down the side in aw.

"Pulse rifle." she murmured.

However, her admiration was cut short. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him but it was his lucky day. He got the shot in first.

The woman cried out as the pain exploded up her leg but she did not let herself fall until she had fired the soldier full of new pulse rifle bullets.

"Oh God," she groaned into her unwounded knee as she sat on the floor and watched her own blood drip onto the floor. She was blanking on what to do with something like this. She was cowering in the middle of the battle field and it would be her own damn fault if she died.

_"Close."_

The woman looked up and immediately ceased her sounds of pain. The safe haven was close by and dying within feet of it was not going to be her story.

Standing up slowly, she gritted her teeth together hard and carried her new gun in one hand and her shot gun in the other. The shot gun was in desperate need of bullets but she could not bring herself to part with it. It was silly, but sometimes when she held it, she thought to herself, "This was how Jeremiah held it," and she would wonder how his arm was healing.

Leaving behind the bloody mess, she knew she was making a trail but she could not stop yet. She would stop when she was safe and not a moment sooner.

She turned a corner and faced another hallway with another door at then end. Limping slowly down it, she wondered how this could ever be the way to the safe haven but something told her she was going the right way.

Several of the lights flickered as she walked towards the door and she suddenly wished for a sidekick. Or a clone. Or a big, loyal dog. Something to calm her while she walked down the lonely hallway and listened to war outside.

Someone found the mess she left; she heard soldier's giving and receiving orders. Not that it would be so hard to find her; she was leaving quite the trail.

Trying to go a little faster, the woman tried to control her breathing and fear. This was no big deal, she could still take any who came at her.

The door was unlocked and she hurried into the dark room and slammed the door behind her, not before getting a glimpse of soldiers running down the hall at her.

They fired but she was already safe inside.

However, the room was pitch black and she had no way to lock it that she could see.

Her hands were shaking again.

"Help me," She whispered to the black. She needed that safe haven.

A weird green light began to fill the darkness and the woman squinted against the sudden brightness. Stepping toward the source of light, she looked at the hovering ball of green light knowingly. It was unlike any portal she had encountered but she knew what it was just like she had known how to jump start a car and how to move her body just the right way to cause the most damage to an enemy.

The door opened, but the woman had already decided on taking that insane leap of faith. She stepped into the green light and let its power envelop her.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Author's Note: **It's been a while and for that I apologize. I have a general outline for the rest of the story, though, and I'm pretty flippin' excited to share it with you.  
**Disclaimer:** Half Life and it's characters are owned by Valve. I also took the chapter title and few lyrics from Moby.

**Extreme Ways**

_Dirty basements, dirty noise_

Dirty places coming through

Extreme worlds alone

Did you ever like it planned?

The trek back to White Forest was the longest walk of shame Gordon had ever encountered... Not that he encountered any before but he was sure in the history of shame walks, it was definitely in the top three.

Dog had left deep footprints in the dirt from galloping back to base and Gordon began to take off in a sprint, not bothering to see if his fellow soldiers were going to keep up. He was used to traveling alone. They would survive the trek home on their own.

_Is that selfish of me? ...Maybe it's about time I start being selfish._

He took an elevator and several wrong turns before he found the infirmary. Vortigaunts and medics were already operating. Alyx stood at the window and watched through the glass with Dog at her side. Neither one looked at him.

Gordon kept his distance but watched his best friend being patched up. Under flickering luminescent lights, his face looked so worn out and beat up and Gordon tried not to think about late night beer runs or races through air vents during fits of boredom.

"The Free Man," A vortigaunt was speaking to him and Gordon turned, noticing the way Alyx tilted her head at the mention of his new title. Gordon looked at the alien expectantly. "You are wanted by Doctors Kleiner and Magnusson. Please, follow me."

_The Free Man is being called on, he doesn't sound too free to me._ Gordon wished Barney was at his side to share the dweeby little thought with but he was being sewn together out of spare parts and thread. Gordon's stomach turned for a moment and he had to grip onto the door frame for a moment.

With one last look at Barney, Gordon followed the alien down the hallway and into another elevator. Steel and metal clinked loudly around him and he noticed drops of blood on the floor of the elevator. Was it Barney's or his?

"Dr. Freeman, you made it back in one piece!" Dr. Kleiner exclaimed. "We are grateful, no doubt there."

"I hear your friend is causing quite a commotion down in the infirmary," Dr. Magnusson added. Gordon tilted his head at that. Was he supposed to apologize for his friend being a bad ass?

He just shrugged. What he wanted to do was be The Free Man and punch him square in the jaw. Magnusson with a bloody face would give Barney something to look forward to when he got out of surgery. _That's for always hogging the faculty microwave!_

Gordon wondered why he was having such odd thoughts and figured he was probably just freaking out about the possible death of his best friend. _Not that Barney dying is a possibility. Because it's not._

"This is going to set the trip back at least a week. We cannot afford to wait so long, There is so much that can happen now in just a week... so much that can go wrong..." Dr. Kleiner was pacing as he talked and Gordon noticed the way he kept looking at the empty pet kennel.

"You think Barney will be ready to leave in a week?" Gordon asked, not daring to sound hopeful.

"Good heavens, boy! Of course not!" Dr. Magnusson exclaimed. "You can't dream of taking Barney out on such a dangerous mission for a least a month if he is so bad that he is having Vortigaunts working on him."

"But Alyx healed okay - "

"Did you plan on extracting Ant Lion larvae way out here?" Magnusson asked and Gordon decided he would much rather kick him in the face.

"Then what's the wait?"

"Supplies. After all, we cannot send you on such a dangerous mission with just the HEV suit on your back," Dr. Kleiner told him.

"Wouldn't be the first time," Gordon muttered.

"I would suggest resting yourself up, go to the cafeteria and get some nourishment. You look like you may topple over any second." Dr. Magnusson went on as if Gordon had not said a word. Gordon was used to it at least and with a nod he walked out.

He did not feel like eating but he did not feel like sleeping either. His feet found the way back to the infirmary and he sat on a bench outside the metal doors. He felt like waiting for his best friend.

* * *

Hours later he was shaken awake by Alyx. He looked up at her and smiled, not altogether sure where he was but knowing that he was happy to wake up and see Alyx.

"He's stabilized. Thought you should know." And then she walked away.

Gordon looked around and realized he had fallen asleep on the bench. He watched Alyx walk away and realized that just a trip with her was going to be pretty interesting. He wondered if Dog would be there and if she had programmed Dog to hate him... then what she had said finally registered. Barney was okay.

Gordon breathed a sigh of relief and realized he should have just kicked Magnusson in the head. Then he could have a cool story to tell when Barney woke up, because he was definitely going to now. He knew it.

* * *

A week later, Gordon had Barney's arm over his shoulder and was helping him into the helicopter.

"I'll hide back here under these blankets," Barney whispered excitedly.

"We are so dead," Gordon whispered for the fifteenth time since sneaking Barney out of the infirmary.

"Yeah, well what else is new." Barney said with a grin before pulling the blankets over him. "Mmm, toasty. Just make sure no one tries to set a crate on me."

"Uh, I'll try."

Gordon straightened up as the doors opened and Alyx came through. They would have to leave Dog behind which was a damn shame seeing as how strong and almighty he was but then Dog might squish Barney and that would not be good.

"Hey, how's it goin'?" Gordon asked, trying to seem nonchalant. She was carrying a large bag and flung it in the back of the helicopter before climbing in without saying a word to Gordon. Gordon sighed and climbed in after her.

"I take it you're piloting this?" Gordon asked and Alyx at last made eye contact with him though it was to give him a look that made him feel like a dummy. Of course she was, it was a two man mission and everyone knew Gordon was deathly afraid of flying. Which, of course, was why they had to take a helicopter, because the world and fate really had it in for Gordon Freeman.

Strapping in, Gordon watched Alyx work her magic and get the helicopter running.

"Here we go," She said before they lifted off. Gordon tried not to make it obvious that he had a death grip on the edges of his seat.

"Woohoo," he muttered and saw a tiny smirk on Alyx's face. That was something at least. He had no idea what she was going through. Gordon had hardly thought on his parents through the mayhem of the last few months he could remember. Everything had happened so quickly and now that he had time to think about it all he found that he would rather not.

He had no idea what to do for Alyx. He wished he could say something awesome and inspiring about how the pain would pass and she will remember the good memories of him instead of only the bad ending.

Gordon looked out the window and knew it would just sound stupid if he tried to say anything at all. He watched the base get smaller as they flew up and away and closed his eyes. He felt like he was going to be sick.

They flew for an hour in silence. It was the longest, most silent and awkward hour he had ever experienced.

The silence seemed to stretch on... until the sound of muffled snoring broke over the sound of the helicopter. Gordon's eyes widened and he determinedly did not look at Alyx.

"Do you hear something?" Alyx asked after a moment.

"I can hardly hear you," Gordon said and she rolled her eyes.

"Take the wheel."

"What? I can't fly!"

"I know you can't fly, but you can drive now take it!"

Gordon shook his head stubbornly.

"Fine, then you get to go investigate in the back."

Gordon looked behind him slowly and realized he would have to unbuckle himself from the seat. He looked back at her to find she was watching him expectantly.

He was very tempted to just send her back there and let Barney be damned but he reached for his buckle.

As he went to stand up the wind picked up violently and the helicopter swerved causing Gordon to be thrown against the side.

"What the hell?" He asked startled.

"Are you trying to kill me?!" A shout came from the back followed by a stream of very Barney-sounding cursing. Gordon's eyes widened at the look of shock on Alyx's face.

"Barney?!" She called back after straightening the helicopter into smooth flying.

Gordon noticed how quickly grey clouds were beginning to gather and saw the lightning behind the mountains in the direction they were flying.

"Guilty." A hand raised out of the blankets and there was a thick silence for a moment where Gordon could see Alyx was trying to decide which one she should shoot first.

"Gordon..." She began in a warning tone.

"It was his idea." Gordon said quickly.

Barney was out of the blankets fully now but still sitting on the floor. "What the hell bastard, you would really sell me out so quickly?"

Gordon looked at him and shrugged.

"That's it, I'm turning around." Alyx said.

"We don't have the gas or time to waste on that." Gordon told her, not looking forward to getting the shit kicked out of him verbally by Magnusson or Kleiner. "And what if we don't come back from this, Alyx. I just didn't want to go to the end without Barney with us."

Alyx looked outside the window, making no move to turn the helicopter but he was not sure if she would not.

"He was near dead last week."

"What what week aren't I?" Barney piped up and laughed a little before coughing.

Alyx looked at Gordon as Barney coughed and despite how horrible Gordon knew Barney sounded, he was not backing down. "He needed to come."

Alyx opened her mouth to say something but she never got the words out because at that moment lightning struck and the wind picked up again and sent them spinning into heavy rain.

"Barney!" Gordon called back behind him. Barney was thrown against the door and his face was screwed up with pain.

Gordon reached back for him but as he did, a ball of light erupted around them, blues and greens enveloping them all and Gordon felt Alyx hold onto his hand as they were torn away from Barney. Barney gave him one last, weak salute before being enveloped by the green light.

And then Gordon's world was black once again.


	9. Chapter Eight

**Author's Note: **I really hope you like this.  
**Disclaimer:** Half Life and it's characters are owned by Valve. I also took the chapter title and few lyrics from Trent Reznor.

**Wish**

_This is the first day of my last days,_

I built it up now I take it apart.

Climbed up real high now fall down real far.

No need for me to stay, the last thing left

I just threw it away

The woman lay crumpled and defeated on the floor. The man in her dream had led her to the safe haven and because there was no one else and because she was not feeling particularly hopeful about her sanity anymore, she trusted the man.

She tilted her head and felt the steel floor cool her cheek as she looked down the length of her body. There was moonlight coming in through a window that let her see how torn up her leg was. She was in a hallway and it was cold and she was losing feeling in her leg.

All she wanted to do was watch the moon and the stars out the circle window above her. She closed her eyes and kept seeing stars even as she fell asleep.

_In the dark, he came to her._

"You will never survive... if you do not take care of yourself."

She looked at him and said nothing despite the fact that she could now.

"You must survive, my child."

She smiled a small and sad smile into the black. "Doesn't sound so great today."

The man shook his head and knelt down, "I should make you suffer, you will... never learn on your own if I keep... taking care of everything." Then he picked her up and the woman remembered how she hated his touch. As he carried her down the hallway in her dream, she felt the heat and the cold from his hands spread up her legs and into her gut.

She turned her head and groaned into the fabric of his fake business suit but he kept walking on stiffly and with a purpose. Her human robot.

He gently set her down into a bed with very white sheets. "You must prepare yourself... here. It is past the time for you to remember. You are needed... I cannot continue to make excuses for you, child."

The man walked out of the dark room and the woman was left alone in the darkness of sleep.

* * *

The woman awoke to her stench and white sheets. She scrambled up out of the bed and limped onto her good foot. Looking down, she saw the bandages that had been wrapped with care around her leg.

It made her laugh a tiny bit, the craziness of her world. Was it any wonder her sanity was a lost cause? A man lived in the walls and shadows of her homes and took care of the little sick show pet. Groom her well, train her tomorrow. Jump through the hoops for the judges behind the mirror.

The woman knelt down onto the cold floor and held her legs to her. She looked around the room now lit up by sunlight pouring through the window. There was dust around the edges and she hoped they left her alone in the room until she was dusty as well.

She wrinkled her nose. There was a funny stench about her.

As she stood up, she noticed all the whiteness outside the tiny window. Curiosity became her sin as she limped to the window and looked out at the world around her.

Snow caps and icy ocean surrounded her on this side and she did indeed notice the soft sway of the place around her. Her safe haven was a ship. She smiled softly and wondered if it was a ship with water for baths or showers in it.

A while later, she found out that it was. Everything surrounding her in the bathroom was shiny and white and automatic. She waved her hand in front of where water faucets should be and steaming water and scented soap began spilling into the tub.

It crossed her mind that she had died and gone to the heaven only meant for her but then she realized her heaven would be on a southern beach near the warmth. And there would be no pain in her leg.

Shedding her clothes, the woman put her unharmed leg in first and lowered her body down before unwrapping the alien bandaging from her leg. She inspected the wound.

_"Why can't I put my foot with the stitches in it in the water?" The woman was a girl again and she was small and naked, surrounded by bubbles and warm water and a beautiful woman with short black hair. Mom._

"Because the doc said so and so we don't do it, now c'mere. I missed a spot." Mom reached the washcloth to her face and she giggled, pulling away but she could not go too far of course, otherwise her stitches would go in the water, so she instead splashed water at Mom instead. The payback was brutal.

The woman pulled herself out of the memory that tasted of a forgotten home and let it fall away like waves on the ocean. She was a rock being pulled and pushed every which way, tempted and turned by the sea but too far up the shore to come back.

She dangled her leg over the edge of her tub and used a very white hand towel to gently clean around the wound.

"Bath water temperature falling. Rising to optimum temperature." A cool, feminine voice spoke to her from the ceiling and the woman's movements froze. Her breathing became constricted and she looked around her carefully.

She was back. She was there. Watching her. They all were.

"Go away." She whispered, sinking down into the water. "You cannot reach me here."

* * *

She did not leave the bathtub until she was sufficiently pruned up and sure that the robotic voice talking to her only knew how to talk about bath water temperatures.

She had found clothing in her room. There were fancy tuxedos and dresses and regular work clothes and business suits and skirts and ties. She realized she was staying in a couple's suite but she thought it fit her much better.

It was damned hard, however, to find something decent and comfortable to wear. She was wearing a pair of fuzzy slippers with hard soles to spoil her feet and a pair of long pajama bottoms, one leg rolled up so as not to irritate the bandages around her wounded had found a tank top that fit tightly over her chest and shoulders and she wore a sweater she kept unzipped over it.

On top of the dresser was a mirror and a brush. Slowly, the woman picked up the brush and began to comb her hair into becoming tame once again. She was not sure when, but she knew there had been a time when it fell in soft waves to her waist. Now it was only to her shoulders and she hoped it dried into soft black waves again.

She watched her reflection with a stillness about her as she finished with the brush. She had wide green eyes.

"Like Dad."

She saw the man in her dreams and dropped the brush. She shook her head. Wrong Dad. Not him.

The woman saw how her dark eyebrows furrowed and her wide, full lips began to quiver and she thought the woman in her reflection looked silly and childish when she became upset.

So she schooled her features and looked at herself evenly once again, putting troubling thoughts out of her mind. Or thoughts about the lack of troubling thoughts, but she did not want to think in that circle any more.

With one last look at the nameless woman in the mirror, the woman walked into the hallway and saw many doors. She looked around and with a cold stab of fear, she realized that she had no weapon at her side. Nor had she seen any of her well earned weapons in her room.

The woman scanned the room and began tearing the blankets off the bed and when that proved unsuccessful, she rummaged through the closet and dresser, pulling shelves and clothes out until the once tidy room looked like a mad house.

Her eyes began to get watery and she scrunched up her face, already feeling the sickening wave of failure and loneliness of losing her only possessions left. She had no memories to cling on to, save the insanity of her nightmares. No name and no... one. No one. Just the cold metal of stolen weapons at her side in the night and the warm vibrations they spread when they were faithful to her.

Faithful.

_"You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any other test subject on record, congratulations."_

"Every opportunity to succeed..." The woman muttered into her hands as she sat on the floor amongst piles of expensive clothing. "There was even going to be a party for me."

She laughed softly and looked down at her tanned hands as they shook. How could she leave and face the hallways and doors without her companions - her weapons.

_I invited your best friend the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: Unlikeable. Liked by no one._

Dr. Dominic had tried to teach her how to keep good care of her weapons. How to clean them. Shine 'em all up and then out to war again. Training. War.

"You did very well today, daughter, but why did you leave your sword lying on the ground?"

"I'm not your daughter." She had said and the doctor slapped her across the face so that the woman, then a teenager, fell to the ground. She knew not to fight back. Fighting back brought in the party associates.

_A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. 'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. _

"Very formal," She whispered. "Very official."

The sound of a loud crash broke the woman out of her pity party and she hopped to her feet, feeling the power at her bare hands. Even if she had no shotgun, she felt the memories of training. Even if they felt like the memories of someone else.

She left the room and cocked her head, trying to decide where the noise came from when it came again. It sounded like pots and pans crashing to the floor and she felt the sound stir something familiar inside. Another memory.

But she had no time for that.

As she made her way silently down the hallway, she heard someone using foul language. Male. Mature. On her ship.

She stood outside the door the cursing was coming from and jumped back when it slid open. Damn technology and the non-stealthiness of it all. She leaned back against the wall, out of sight, but not before noticing the back of a man with black hair.

"Who's there?" He called out and she immediately felt an odd sensation in her chest just at the sound of it. Obviously he was an enemy who had to be terminated for the odd sensation to stop. "I warn you I am armed."

_Lie._ The woman decided but she had noticed that he was a relatively larger man and slipped into a nearby dark room with another pair of automated doors just as she saw the door to the man and the kitchen slide shut.

As she waited in the dark, she backed into something hard and became aware of how heavy her breathing was. How safe was this safe haven? Not even alone for a whole day.

Something hard fell into her shoulder and she caught it instinctively. A book. Heavy one too.

As she tried to calm herself down and listen above the beating of her heart and her own panting, she heard heavy footsteps walk past her doorway. The rush of being on the hunt was coming back and she decided there was no better time than now to strike.

With a firm grip on the book, she burst out of the room and prepared to hit the man in the back of the head.

Only the man had heard her and turned around. He dodged the blow quickly and she ran into the wall but only let that stop her for a moment before pushing herself back into the little battle the day had to offer.

"Hey, what're ya doin'? Can't you see I'm human, dollface?" The guy asked, dodging out of her reach once again.

She said nothing and aimed a punch at his jaw, only to have him catch her wrist and use it to get the leverage to push her onto the floor. The man knelt down and pushed a strong knee into her chest but she still had her legs free.

"Cut it out, wiggle worm!" He grunted and held her legs still when she tried to squirm.

"Stop calling me names." She said and punched him in the face. It was not enough to get him off but it was enough for her to earn a very angry look as the man shifted to straddle her legs and hold both of her small wrists still with one large hand.

"That wasn't very nice." He told her and she noticed a scar on his temple, the slight gray in his hair and the obvious kindness in his eyes a moment before he pulled a pistol out and aimed it at her throat.

_Oh. He is armed._

"That's a very nice gun you have there." She told him, wondering why the hell he got a gun.

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?"

She tore her eyes away from the shiny metal and looked up at him. There were small lines around his eyes and mouth. Laugh and worry lines. They deepened as he made a face like he was in some pain and she wondered if he was beat up already from just a hit in the jaw... but then she was the one pinned to the floor under a strong man with a gun so it did not really matter.

"And my clip is far from empty, however you're the first human that has tried to kill me in a while so I'm intrigued as to why you would go about doing such a thing like that. I'd rather hear a story than be forced to shoot a hole through that pretty face."

_He called my face pretty._

No, this is flattery. A tactic used in hostage situations to brainwash and distract and... he has a gun and he is on my damn ship!

"I was not going to kill you." She said.

"Obviously."

"I mean I did not plan on killing you," she shifted uncomfortably under that steady gaze and felt her palms grow sweaty. "Not right away anyway."

"Well, that's... something. I guess." He shifted over her and looked up at her hands. "You gotta name, girl?"

"Woman. Not a girl."

He rolled his eyes and she realized she was being annoying. Then she told herself it did not matter.

"You got a name, woman?" He tried again.

She did not want to give the answer but she shook her head.

"Well what do you mean by that?" He asked, confusion clouding his kind eyes. She noticed that he kept the gun steady and his grip tight. She was getting the feeling that she would not be slipping out of this one soon and it was embarrassing to her.

"I mean no, sir, now would you please get off?" She asked in what she hoped was a kind voice, however the man was not fooled.

He shook his head. "I saw those moves of yours. If I was younger and still just a security guard you probably would have had me, but I'm Barney Calhoun. Gonna have to try better than that to fool me anymore."

"I'll remember that."

Barney Calhoun sighed and sat up slightly, but did not release his hold on her. Instead he put the pistol away and looked down at her wearily.

"So listen, No-Name... what's your deal? Where the hell are we?"

"A safe place as far as I knew, until you showed up in my kitchen."

"Yeah, I did do the whole showing up uninvited thing, didn't I?" Barney shrugged and looked down at her expectantly, as if he did not much care about being uninvited or that he was straddling the self-proclaimed owner of the ship.

The woman sighed and looked at a wall. "I don't know what 'my deal' is. I got lost and ended up here. The end."

"Your forgot the part where you started killing innocent bystanders."

"I got lost, started killing innocent bystanders and then ended up here and tried to keep up with my killing habits. The end." The said bitterly and to her annoyance Mr. Barney Calhoun just laughed. She could feel the vibrations from his body against hers and she shifted awkwardly at the closeness of him. It was suddenly not hostile when he was above her laughing with kind eyes like that. It felt intimate and familiar and it needed to stop.

Moving fast, the woman delivered a swift head butt and saw blood spurt from his nose as he rolled away, grabbing for his gun. She made to run for it but ended up limping away into her room but no gunfire went off, only the heavy footsteps gave away her follower.

She turned around and went to push the button to shut and lock the bedroom door put he was too quick. With one hand on his nose, he used the other to keep the door from sliding shut and walked into the room. The woman backed away and picked up a vase before jumping onto the bed to get the higher ground.

"Look, I do not want to kill you as you are a regular, in the loose sense of the word, human being. But I warn you, I am very... skilled with... fighting! So stay away!" The woman warned, raising the vase in warning, though she was seeming to forget all that she had learned in a matter of seconds the closer Barney Calhoun got to her.

He reached down and picked up a sock from the mess she had made earlier. "Is this clean?" He asked and without waiting for an answer, covered his nose. She watched him dab at it and look at it in the mirror.

Finally, with a roll of her eyes, she let the vase drop safely onto the mattress and jumped down. Barney watched her movements closely in the mirror and she realized his lack of intimidation with her made her nervous and slightly annoyed. Stopping a few feet from him, she said in annoyance, "You're supposed to tilt your head back with a bloody nose."

Barney turned to look at her and did as she said but kept any eye on her.

"Nasty looking limp you have there," he told her and she nodded.

"Nasty looking nose."

Barney shrugged.

She looked down at her bandaged leg before making eye contact again, "I hope that's not the reason you refrained from shooting me."

"I don't kill humans if I can help it. I shoot 'em in the back even less."

As he said this, she looked around her messy room and wondered at the feeling of awkwardness and shamefulness in her. She was only trying to protect herself and she would still do so if this Barney guy tried to pull anything, human or not.

"I can't remember most of my life," she blurted out. When he turned those kind eyes on her again, she could not help but keep explaining herself to him. "I escaped from a place that did stuff to... I think they took away my past but that's why I don't have a name. That's why I'm No-Name."

As the silence stretched on while Barney soaked this information in and took the sock away from his red, but dry, nose, the woman felt like a fool for giving him such information about herself. When faced with such a feeling, her first instinct was to kick Barney in the head and throw him out, but she refrained. Instead, she waited bravely for this stranger to respond to her confession.

"How do you feel about the name Chell?"

The woman tested it in her head and out loud a few times. It fit.

"I like it. What's it from?"

Barney shrugged and threw the bloody sock into the wastebasket, "I knew a cat named Chell once. I guess you reminded me of it."


End file.
